The Best Chelsea Handler quotes

We women have to stick together. — Chelsea Handler

Women don’t have to be jealous of other women. — Chelsea Handler

There’s a lot of pretty funny women out there. — Chelsea Handler

You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn’t take them long to impregnate women. — Chelsea Handler

How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman… and I think I may have liked it. — Chelsea Handler

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men. — Chelsea Handler

This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That’s why psychos are always so skinny. — Chelsea Handler

As a woman, we should all stop talking about it and just acknowledge what’s happened and act like we own the space, because we do. — Chelsea Handler

For the record, I would like to state that never in the history of humankind has a woman been told to calm down and then calmed down. We don’t like that — Chelsea Handler

Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris–sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury. — Chelsea Handler

I like to stay at home and sit on my ass. — Chelsea Handler

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot. — Chelsea Handler

You can’t fast–forward heartbreak, and you can’t rewind love–and that’s just one big bummer. — Chelsea Handler

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life. — Chelsea Handler

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn’t make any sense. — Chelsea Handler

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense. — Chelsea Handler

It’s unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it’s the perfect platform for me. — Chelsea Handler

I’ve never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost. — Chelsea Handler

I’m into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows. — Chelsea Handler

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather. — Chelsea Handler

I have a whole trIbute to [ whIte house press secretary ] sean spIcer that I can’t waIt for the whole world to see, I love It. — Chelsea Handler

I encourage interoffice romance. — Chelsea Handler

Mtv is known for their huge budget. — Chelsea Handler

Some of the best sex I can barely remember. — Chelsea Handler

Right now is a very important time and you can’t really bow out, this is, more than ever in any recent time in history, [ a time ] that we have to speak loudly. — Chelsea Handler

That’s Al Qaeda’s new plan: to destroy America one period at a time. — Chelsea Handler

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor. — Chelsea Handler

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings. — Chelsea Handler

I want to start saying bad words all the time! — Chelsea Handler

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time. — Chelsea Handler

It’s a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I’ve been living this life for a long time, and I’m over myself. — Chelsea Handler

That just sends the wrong message to everybody. [Donald Trump] should have the least amount of air time. — Chelsea Handler

Every time I had a book come out, I’m like, ‘Is it going to be number one?’ — Chelsea Handler

I don’t understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It’s so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online. — Chelsea Handler

Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It’s rewarding. — Chelsea Handler

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack. — Chelsea Handler

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush’s reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I’ve tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking. — Chelsea Handler

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn’t experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak. — Chelsea Handler

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he’s still alive. — Chelsea Handler

Having a baby, it’s like a five year commitment. — Chelsea Handler

Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan… how big is your baby? — Chelsea Handler

For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony’s baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I’m afraid it’s going to look like Marc Anthony. — Chelsea Handler

Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure. — Chelsea Handler

I don’t like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can’t figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies. — Chelsea Handler

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you’re ready to have a baby. — Chelsea Handler

I have a question. Do you guys think it’s OK to drink while you’re pregnant if you’re planning on giving the baby up for adoption? — Chelsea Handler

No one has ever said to me ‘go home and make a baby.’ I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah. — Chelsea Handler

Jews are underdogs–not in my world, obviously, they’re not. — Chelsea Handler

People ask me why I’m so hard on men. It’s because they’ve gotten a really easy ride. And it’s not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50. — Chelsea Handler

Sleep is my friend and is the only place in this world where I don’t get into fights with other people. — Chelsea Handler

People who have experience and credentials, they should be talking about that [Donald Trump presenting on TV]. I know everybody cares about ratings, but come on. The whole world is watching. — Chelsea Handler

Britney Spears’ album Blackout is one of the hottest–selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we’re at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit. — Chelsea Handler

I think reality television, unless it’s inspirational, which it very rarely is, I think it’s embarrassing. It’s embarrassing state of affairs that we’re in. — Chelsea Handler

Reality TV’s pretty tricky for me. I don’t really watch anything like that, because I think it’s brain–sucking. — Chelsea Handler

I don’t like people who drink decaf coffee it’s like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That’s like drinking non alcoholic vodka. — Chelsea Handler

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around. — Chelsea Handler

People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I’m a heavy drinker. I don’t want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting. — Chelsea Handler

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides. — Chelsea Handler

David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere–his car drove itself. — Chelsea Handler