Comedy may be big business but it isn’t pretty. — Steve Martin

With comedy, you have no place to go but more comedy, so you’re never off the hook. — Steve Martin

In my banjo show with the Steep Canyon Rangers, I do do comedy during that show. It’d be absurd just to stand there mute and play 25 banjo songs. — Steve Martin

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening. — Steve Martin

I can juggle. I started juggling as a kid. And when I worked at Disneyland, I knew a juggler there named Christopher Faire, and he taught me how to juggle. I used it in my comedy act for a while. — Steve Martin

I always felt the audience sorta tolerated the serious musical parts while I was doing my comedy. — Steve Martin

Comedy makes you humble. Because there are so many opportunities to miss, and strike out. — Steve Martin

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke. — Steve Martin

With comedy, you never know until you put it in front of an audience. You shoot it and a year later you have no idea if it’s going to work. And then you get the response. It’s great when it’s good. — Steve Martin

I just wanted to be in show business. I didn’t care if I was going to be an actor or a magician or what. Comedy was a point of the least resistance, really. And on the simplest level, I loved comedy. — Steve Martin

I took literally everything I knew how to do on stage with me, which was juggling, magic and banjo and my little comedy routines. — Steve Martin

Working at the magic shop really gave me a sense of comedy because it was all jokes. — Steve Martin

Relationships end, but they don’t end your life. — Steve Martin

You can’t really conduct your life by one or two phrases. — Steve Martin

I have found that––just as in real life––imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience. — Steve Martin

I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian. — Steve Martin

I’m always looking for something to engage my imagination and take me on a little mental voyage. I just want a new topic in my life. — Steve Martin

I never touched a gun in my life. That and that alone forever doomed me to middle management. — Steve Martin

Only then does he realize what he has done to Mirabelle, how wanting a square inch of her and not all of her has damaged them both, and how he cannot justify his actions except that, well, it was life. — Steve Martin

I understood that as much as I had resisted the outside, as much as I had constricted my life, as much as I had closed and narrowed the channels into me, there were still many takers for the quiet heart. — Steve Martin

If you occasionally wonder how I know about some of the events I describe in this book, I don’t. I have found that––just as in real life––imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience. — Steve Martin

If you’re studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life. — Steve Martin

I never had a movie that I wanted to do turned down in my whole life. I always write the script first so it speaks for itself. — Steve Martin

I opened the show with this line: ‘I have decided to give the greatest performance of my life! Oh, wait, sorry, that’s tomorrow night. — Steve Martin

Acting keeps me alert to people, and life. I don’t know, there’s something about going to work early in the morning, and having to stay alert and concentrated. Maybe that keeps your mind alive. — Steve Martin

College totally changed my life. It changed what I believe and what I think about everything. I majored in philosophy. — Steve Martin

It’s pain that changes our lives. — Steve Martin

Just remember, darling, it is pain that changes our lives. — Steve Martin

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither. — Steve Martin

How is it possible to miss a woman whom you kept at a distance, so that when she was gone you would not miss her? — Steve Martin

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal: high enough so you can look up her dress. — Steve Martin

Lots of women are getting involved. They’re not satisfied just being passengers anymore. — Steve Martin

I could never be a woman, ’cause I’d just stay home and play with my breasts all day. — Steve Martin

Anyone who’s ever worked with Meryl Streep always says the same thing: can that woman act! And what’s with all the Hitler memorabilia? — Steve Martin

I lIke a woman wIth a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. — Steve Martin

To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American. — Steve Martin

Women have choices, and men have responsibilities. — Steve Martin

Halle Berry is here, whose win last year broke down barriers for unbelievably hot women. — Steve Martin

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that. — Steve Martin

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town. — Steve Martin

I really enjoy the social aspects of music as much as anything. — Steve Martin

I’m enamored with the art world. Anytime you look at anything that’s considered artistic, there’s a commercial world around it: the ballet, opera, any kind of music. It can’t exist without it. — Steve Martin

I like all kinds of music. I listen to Abigail Washburn, the Punch Brothers, and Marc Johnson, the great clawhammer player. I also listen a lot to Sirius Radio, there’s a lot of bluegrass there. — Steve Martin

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. — Steve Martin

Performing music is a way to do comedy, but without the obligation to do a solid hour, hour and half of a standup. I could intersperse it with music, so it became a really good format for me. — Steve Martin

If you feel tired midway through, give Neil Patrick Harris a Red Bull and throw some sheet music at him. — Steve Martin

Writing is extremely personal, and that’s the joy of it for me. — Steve Martin

I think there are people out there writing original bluegrass songs, but it’s hard to get them out on the air. — Steve Martin

I don’t think comic timing is the same as music timing, but I definitely find that I’ve learned from just writing in general that songs can be narrative without having a story. — Steve Martin

Deeply funny musings and adventures elevate Paul Rudnick to the highest level of American comedy writing. — Steve Martin

The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready. — Steve Martin

I actually credit Twitter with fine–tuning some joke–writing skills. I still feel like I’m working at it. — Steve Martin

Writing is something I took up rather than anything I had an inclination toward. I like acting–delivering someone else’s message–but writing is more of an accomplishment. — Steve Martin

Unlike Ray Porter, his love is fearless and without reservation. — Steve Martin

I love comedy. That’s what got me into the arts. I don’t even know how to categorize myself anymore. — Steve Martin

I love technology, and I love science. It’s just always all in the way you use it. So there’s no–you can’t really blame anything on the technology. It’s just the way people use it, and it always has been. — Steve Martin

Romance takes place when you first fall in love. It stirs all emotions and you can manipulate and be manipulated. — Steve Martin

I love doing my surreal sing–along that had words that no one could follow. — Steve Martin

I love animated films when they are good, because they do bring a lot of emotion and heart that’s very difficult to get in a live action film. — Steve Martin

I gave my cat a bath the other day…they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that… — Steve Martin

The banjo is such a happy instrument––you can’t play a sad song on the banjo–it always comes out so cheerful. — Steve Martin

The thing about the banjo is when you first hear it, it strikes many people as what’s that? There’s something very compelling about it to certain people. — Steve Martin

The banjo is truly an American instrument, and it captures something about our past. — Steve Martin

I did a lot of things when I first started out. In order to be in show business, I juggled, I did magic tricks, cards tricks and I played the banjo. — Steve Martin

I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was… an arctic wilderness. — Steve Martin

I guess I wouldn’t believe in anything if it weren’t for my lucky astrology mood watch. — Steve Martin

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them. — Steve Martin

I belIeve entertaInment can aspIre to be art, and can become art, but If you set out to make art you’re an IdIot. — Steve Martin

I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday… unless there’s a game on. — Steve Martin

I belIeve that sex Is one of the most beautIful, natural, wholesome thIngs that money can buy. — Steve Martin

I believe the United States should allow all foreigners in this country, provided they can speak our native language… Apache. — Steve Martin

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was… an Arctic region covered with ice. — Steve Martin

I never thought about success. I always thought about doing the job at hand. My goal was getting through the show that night. — Steve Martin

I thought ‘Borat’ was a breakthrough comedy, because it was really funny. It wasn’t some studio–produced script with 14 writers. — Steve Martin

I have thought about some kind of musical involving my music. That would be kind of interesting. I have thought of it in that way, as a creator of something, not so much a performer. So that’s in my head. — Steve Martin

As much as I remember, I just thought, I want to sing a song that starts normal and ends crazy. — Steve Martin

I happened to take a photo, and there was my wife, my dog and my banjo, all in the same shot–and I thought, ‘Oh, that’s like a family portrait right there. — Steve Martin

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is. — Steve Martin

After one of my plays came out, I had mixed reviews, some bad and some good. One day, it dawned on me. I thought, ‘I wrote a play and he wrote a review, and that’s the difference between him and me.’ — Steve Martin