The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed. — Jon Stewart

Happy Valentine’s Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you’re probably alone. Valentine’s Day is often times a, well, it’s a manufactured day that really doesn’t mean anything. — Jon Stewart

If you watch the news and don’t like it, then this is your counter program to the news. — Jon Stewart

I’m a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs. — Jon Stewart

Stephen Colbert is also then turned into news. — Jon Stewart

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building. — Jon Stewart

To me, that’s where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me. — Jon Stewart

So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff. — Jon Stewart

I have not moved out of the comedian’s box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me. — Jon Stewart

Thanks for that report, stephen. — Jon Stewart

Nobody out–rednecks the great state of America. — Jon Stewart

Well, I’m sold. I’ll take one America. — Jon Stewart

Don’t worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay. — Jon Stewart

No one is better at not beating America than England. — Jon Stewart

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. — Jon Stewart

It’s like America has a dog that’s always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug. — Jon Stewart

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak. — Jon Stewart

If you’re going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you’ve also got to give them Tiffani–Amber Thiessen or you’re going to have rioting in the streets. — Jon Stewart

I don’t care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you. — Jon Stewart

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature… and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves. — Jon Stewart

At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech? — Jon Stewart

People, if you can’t get through the puns, I can’t give you the good stuff. — Jon Stewart

Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children’s television PBS is on the house. — Jon Stewart

Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons. — Jon Stewart

I can’t sing. Never been able to sing. I can’t do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can’t dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once. — Jon Stewart

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn’t quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I’ll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves! — Jon Stewart

It’s a wonder our country doesn’t implode. — Jon Stewart

That is probably–he says That instead of ‘ please, ‘ i ‘m guessing. — Jon Stewart

Here’s the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium–tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he’ll be OK. — Jon Stewart

If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don’t know if I can physically do this, implode. — Jon Stewart

Al–qaeda’s resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration’s math and logic. — Jon Stewart

Oh my god… Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him. — Jon Stewart

Yes, it seems that as the President (George W. Bush) comes to the end of his two terms, he’s finally realized the best way to get things done for you, is for you to do it. — Jon Stewart

President Bush announced we’re going to Mars, which means he’s given up on Earth. — Jon Stewart

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader. — Jon Stewart

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden. — Jon Stewart

As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal–in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being. — Jon Stewart

No health care for poor kids? You know, I thought something like that was only done by cartoon villains. You’re (Pres. Bush) slowly going from being Nixon to Mr. Burns. — Jon Stewart

Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he’s lying. How is that possible? — Jon Stewart

And then you’ve got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He’s basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don’t think Bush is Jewish enough. — Jon Stewart

President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82–percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent. — Jon Stewart

President Bush’s approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he’s being doing. — Jon Stewart

We’re Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there. — Jon Stewart

I think you lose your innocence when you have kids, because the world suddenly becomes a much more dangerous place. — Jon Stewart

Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. — Jon Stewart

That’s what it’s like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that’s a good year for you. So that’s not a pleasant feeling. — Jon Stewart

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. — Jon Stewart

If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would make very pleasant children. — Jon Stewart

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain. — Jon Stewart

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. That’s all it is. All those media companies say, ‘We’re going to make a killing here.’ You won’t because it’s still only as good as the content. — Jon Stewart

With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34–member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World. — Jon Stewart

If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard–line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world but not with Republicans? Maybe he’s not the problem. — Jon Stewart

Here’s the thing about global warming that I didn’t realize: it would all happen at once. — Jon Stewart

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn’t an asshole, do? — Jon Stewart

Poor Al Gore, global warming completely debunked, via the very Internet you invented. — Jon Stewart

Bush’s popularity is at 40% in South America? He could be their president! — Jon Stewart

What’s with the poverty Tourette’s? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president? — Jon Stewart

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, ‘When I’m president… and I just wanted to stop him and say, ‘Dude.’ — Jon Stewart

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims there are no homosexuals in Iran, just like there are no gay conservatives in the US. — Jon Stewart

The election moment is merely the American public saying, ‘We’d rather you be President than that guy.’ That’s it. — Jon Stewart

All I’m saying is [John McCain] cannot look a soldier in the eye and say ‘Questioning the president is less supportive to you than extending your tour three months.’ You should be coming home to your family. — Jon Stewart

When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you’ve overstepped your bounds, you’ve overstepped your bounds. — Jon Stewart

Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty. — Jon Stewart

I wonder who really is the change candidate? It can’t be both of them [Hillary Clinton & Barak Obama]. What would be a black man and a woman–how could that be different than the 43 other Presidents we’ve had? — Jon Stewart

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up–rehab and then a stint on VH1. — Jon Stewart

The important thing is, that I guess I don’t spend any time thinking about what I am or what we do means. I spend my time doing it. — Jon Stewart

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what’s wrong with what we’ve done in Iraq. We’ve been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre–9–11. — Jon Stewart

I’m thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time’s a charm. — Jon Stewart

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full–time, 24–hour news networks. — Jon Stewart

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame. — Jon Stewart

I think, with the administration they do Constitutionally–mandated things most of the time, but they don’t–they fulfill the letter of their obligation to checks and balances, but not the intent. — Jon Stewart

Jon stewart indifference cost these men and women their most valuable commodity––time ! — Jon Stewart

Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them. — Jon Stewart

If I could be really competent, that goes such a long way toward things, because the majority of things are not competent. If I can be competent, and have moments of originality, that’s all I would ask for. — Jon Stewart