Link Wray is the all–time legend. — Conan O

If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you’re drunk. — Conan O

Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it’s President–elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it’s Ed Begley Jr. — Conan O

In the midterm elections, a 102–year–old woman voted for the first time in a U.S. election. Unfortunately, she voted for Woodrow Wilson. — Conan O

Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, ‘Whatever you do, don’t tell Geraldo.’ — Conan O

On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they’re apologizing all the time. They responded saying, ‘Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.’ — Conan O

The head of the AFL–CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, ‘The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.’ Then he said, ‘And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.’ — Conan O

This is serious, if Martha gets the maximum sentence on all counts, she could serve 20 years in prison. Of course, you have to take off time off for good behavior, which means 20 years in prison. — Conan O

A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over $110,000. The strange thing is that it’s the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years. — Conan O

Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. The marathon was won in record time by a Democrat candidate running away from President Obama. — Conan O

Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time. — Conan O

Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all–time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he’s been asked to join the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’ — Conan O

The drug lord is on the run. His name is El Chapo. Donald Trump is in a Twitter feud with this Mexican drug lord. It’s historic–the first time Americans have ever sided with a Mexican drug lord. — Conan O

Facebook revamped its search feature. Now you can search for any post that has ever appeared on your page. It’s helpful if you want to waste time this year remembering exactly how you wasted time last year. — Conan O

For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable. — Conan O

For the first time American astronauts on the International Space Station ate vegetables grown in space. In other words, even space is getting more rain than California. — Conan O

Time magazine announced its person of the year. It’s health workers who treat Ebola. That’s a person of the year. Time magazine told the health workers, ‘No need to pick up your award, we’ll mail it to you.’ — Conan O

When it comes to being visionary in stealing, the Republicans do better than anybody. It’s really something to see. — Conan O

I can’t wait for the Republican debates to start and there’s literally 65 guys on one stage. — Conan O

I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American. — David Michael Letterman

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there’s only six people under 30 who actually vote. — Conan O

The Republican–controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they’ll see what they can do about this whole ‘women voting’ thing. — Conan O

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they’ll probably go with a different body. — David Michael Letterman

This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in San Francisco without power are usually called Republicans. — Conan O

The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, ‘I don’t need a pardon. I need a job.’ — Conan O

President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii’s governor said, ‘Great, who’s going to want to come to Hawaii now?’ — Conan O

Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen. — Conan O

Today President Obama is in the Middle East. He met the new king of Saudi Arabia. Obama also met Saudi Arabia’s first lady, the second lady, third lady, and fourth lady. — Conan O

President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland. — Conan O

Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement. — Conan O

A congressman sent a tweet that compared president Obama to Adolf Hitler. He has now apologized. It’s not helping that he apologized to Hitler. — Conan O

Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she’s so old that she could be a Republican. — Conan O

President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States. — Conan O

At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, ‘You will lend us another trillion dollars.’ — Conan O

Governor Chris Christie says if he’s president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie. — Conan O

According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats. — Conan O

People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber. — Conan O

President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama’s mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran. — Conan O

Earlier today, the White House released President Bush’s tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq — Conan O

A new poll shows that Tiger Woods’ popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent. President Obama’s popularity is also at 33 percent, but Tiger had more fun getting there. — Conan O

Lindsey Graham is now the seventh Republican running for president. If you’re keeping score, that’s basically one Republican candidate for every two Republican voters. — Conan O

The top 15 contenders for the Republican nomination own at least 40 guns among them. If we elect a Republican president no one is hopping over the White House fence ever again. — Conan O

First Lady Michelle Obama has posted an exercise video of her beating up a punching bag. But don’t worry, Vice President Biden is going to be OK. — Conan O

Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife. — Conan O

Donald Trump insisted he’s always had a great relationship with women. He said, ‘I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that’s Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one.’ — Conan O

Political analysts are saying that as a candidate, Donald Trump is ‘a totally unqualified nuisance.’ In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the Republican nomination. — Conan O

According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones. — Conan O

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump was president. Which is really weird because I thought Brady didn’t like things that are filled with too much air. — Conan O

Mexico’s No. 1 drug lord has escaped from prison and may be headed to the U.S. So Donald Trump was wrong. They ARE sending us their best. — Conan O

Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy. — Conan O

Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn’t that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser. — Conan O

Trump Entertainment Resorts declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Or as Donald Trump describes Chapter 11, ‘Back–to–back number ones! — Conan O

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property. — Conan O

Nbc executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew The Apprentice. So some good may come out of this. — Conan O

A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump. — Conan O

Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ — Conan O

Critics say it’s illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It’s also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn’t born in this country. — Conan O

People are mad a Donald Trump for allegedly making a joke about Megyn Kelly having her period. Trump said, ‘Trust me, I know what goes on down there, because I’m a huge douche.’ — Conan O

Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump’s supporters–all of whom are late night comedians. — Conan O

On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama’s birth certificate could indicate that he’s a Muslim. Trump said he doesn’t trust anyone with a foreign–sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka. — Conan O

Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous. — Conan O

Arnold Schwarzenegger has hired billionaire Warren Buffett as his senior economic advisor. And not to be outdone Gary Coleman announced his senior economic adviser will be Thurston Howell the Third. — Conan O

Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s very excited to see Obama become the second–most powerful person in the world. — Conan O

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it’s just like Disneyland, except the 6–foot mouse is real. — Conan O

Pope Francis announced that next year he is coming to the United States, or as Fox News is reporting it, ‘Obama lets in yet another guy from South America.’ — Conan O

Nbc announced that during the summer Olympics they will set a new record by airing over 1200 hours of coverage. Which is amazing because that’s 10 hours longer than the coverage of Reagan’s funeral. — Conan O

Toyota has announced it will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It’s perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every ten minutes. — Conan O

Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country. — Conan O

Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he’s running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s. — Conan O

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly. — Conan O

President Obama announced that he’s going to reopen diplomatic relations with Cuba. He wants to act before Seth Rogen makes a movie about Castro. — Conan O

Tom Ridge announced a new color–coded alarm system. … Green means everything’s okay. Red means we’re in extreme danger. And champagne–fuschia means we’re being attacked by Martha Stewart. — Conan O