Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it. — Zach Galifianakis

Tigers love pepper…they hate cinnamon. — Zach Galifianakis

American society loves to prop people up and then take them down. — Zach Galifianakis

I’ve been wanting kids for 10 years. I’d love to adopt, have them naturally–all of it. I want, like, 15. — Zach Galifianakis

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food — Zach Galifianakis

I once walked in on my grandparents making love…And that’s why I don’t eat raisins. — Zach Galifianakis

I’ve always been attracted to sad. If you look at Woody Allen movies, he’s often playing a sad clown, and it’s always been interesting. And angry clown is even more interesting. — Zach Galifianakis

I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy. — Zach Galifianakis

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good. — Zach Galifianakis

I don’t mean to be gross, but the only time it’s good to yell ‘I have diarrhea’ is when you’re playing Scrabble because it’s worth a shitload of points. — Zach Galifianakis

I’ve always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy. — Zach Galifianakis

I dream of starting a three–man country trio called the Chixie Dicks. — Zach Galifianakis

I want to do another reality show. It’s based on The Mole. It’s about sexually transmitted diseases. It’s called ‘God, I Hope That’s a Mole. — Zach Galifianakis

I’d like to do a reality show with four white people…who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called…Cracker Hunt. — Zach Galifianakis

Have you seen that show on CBS called ‘The Amazing Race’? Is that show about white people? — Zach Galifianakis

I’m writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It’s called: Stop Staring at Me! — Zach Galifianakis

It’s not good for comedy to be like, ‘Thanks for liking me’. Being popular is poison. — Zach Galifianakis

I like dark comedies. That’s why I like the Wayans Brothers. — Zach Galifianakis

I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something. — Zach Galifianakis

Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything’s been done. — Zach Galifianakis

I watch a happy person doing stand–up, and I go, ‘What the hell is this? This person’s happy!’ You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It’s a tool for comedy. — Zach Galifianakis

I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy. — Zach Galifianakis

It’s fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don’t play on emotion too much. — Zach Galifianakis

But comedy is like music, it appeals to some people. Some people like Creed, those people are usually pretty stupid. But they probably also like Carrot Top. I would say that they’re part of the same ilk. — Zach Galifianakis

It’s been a real launching pad for whites, you have’comedians in cars getting coffee.’ james corden has’ carpool karaoke.’ what’s next in lazy car–based, non–comedy ? — Zach Galifianakis

I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn’t seem too preachy because you’re also making people laugh, so it’s really kind of a good tool for messaging. — Zach Galifianakis

When a role seems fun it’s easy to play. It kind of comes organically. — Zach Galifianakis

I think if they put a laugh track on ‘Intervention,’ it would be funny. — Zach Galifianakis

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria–not necessarily by choice–but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren’t there. — Zach Galifianakis

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life. — Zach Galifianakis

My dad doesn’t get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn’t understand them. He’s just laughing because people around him are laughing. — Zach Galifianakis

When you’re doing standup you’re kind of doing, ‘Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny. — Zach Galifianakis

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling. — Zach Galifianakis

My real last name is Galifianakisburg. — Zach Galifianakis

My stand–up is more like how I am in real life. I don’t really do a character thing in stand–up. It’s just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny. — Zach Galifianakis

The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they’re not supposed to. — Zach Galifianakis

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn’t laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings. — Zach Galifianakis

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. — Zach Galifianakis

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they’re done towards yourself. — Zach Galifianakis

I try to write three jokes every day. I don’t sit down and write them, it’s just things that pop into my head. Then I’ll go watch it fail onstage that night. — Zach Galifianakis

If you see something, say something. — Zach Galifianakis