The Best Tommy Cooper quotes

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. — Tommy Cooper

Went to the corner shop–bought 4 corners. — Tommy Cooper

I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, ‘Which way?’ — Tommy Cooper

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. — Tommy Cooper

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet–it was a marriage of convenience! — Tommy Cooper

I’ve got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect! — Tommy Cooper

My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth. — Tommy Cooper

My wife said, ‘Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.’ I said, ‘chocolate fudge.’ — Tommy Cooper

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair. — Tommy Cooper

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds. — Tommy Cooper

Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s.’ ‘Well you can’t say fairer than that then — Tommy Cooper

A man walked into the doctor’s, The doctor said ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time’ The man replied, ‘I know I’ve been ill’. — Tommy Cooper

A woman tells her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor says, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman says, ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says: ‘Okay–you’re ugly as well.’ — Tommy Cooper

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite. — Tommy Cooper

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, ‘Have you got frog’s legs?’ He said, ‘Yes,’ so I said, ‘Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.’ — Tommy Cooper

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I had to amputate your arms — Tommy Cooper

He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, ‘That’s a turn–up for the books’. — Tommy Cooper

So he said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.’ I thought ‘That’s a turn–up for the books.’ — Tommy Cooper

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas. — Tommy Cooper

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. — Tommy Cooper

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road. — Tommy Cooper

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain. — Tommy Cooper

They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim? — Tommy Cooper

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted. — Tommy Cooper

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar. — Tommy Cooper

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: ‘What do you want’, I said, ‘I want to stay here’. She said, ‘Well stay there’ and shut the window. — Tommy Cooper

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. — Tommy Cooper

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other–you drive I’ll man the guns. — Tommy Cooper

Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house. — Tommy Cooper

So a man jumps into a taxi and says ‘King Arthur’s close’ and the taxi driver says, ‘don’t worry we’ll lose him at the next lights’. — Tommy Cooper

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said ‘Hey, you’ve got your sleeve in my drink’, man replied, ‘There’s no arm in it’ — Tommy Cooper

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. — Tommy Cooper

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything. — Tommy Cooper

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ — Tommy Cooper

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ‘Your eyes sparkle like diamonds’. I said ‘Waiter, I asked for a–ROMATIC duck’. — Tommy Cooper

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure. — Tommy Cooper

A dyslexic man walks into a bra. — Tommy Cooper

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. — Tommy Cooper

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’ — Tommy Cooper