I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults. — Tim Allen

I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults. — Tim Allen

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children. — Tim Allen

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison. — Tim Allen

If man evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys? — Tim Allen

My stepfather stepped in where no man would’ve stepped in–six kids, five of them boys–and that’s heroic. — Tim Allen

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom. — Tim Allen

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car. — Tim Allen

Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do. — Tim Allen

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. — Tim Allen

I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, ‘Dad’s an idiot,’ which lasted a little longer than I’d like. — Tim Allen

Before Kady was born, I didn’t think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time. — Tim Allen

In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers. — Tim Allen

Boys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious. — Tim Allen

Anyway, they used to beat up on Barry all the time. They called it roughhousing, which is like men calling lying bullshitting. — Tim Allen

I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one–on–one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me. — Tim Allen

If you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you. — Tim Allen

I’m excited because we have so much left in our tank, there were a lot of stories we hadn’t gotten to. — Tim Allen

We’re not sure he’s going to last, whereas the clintons are like herpes: just when you think they’re gone, they show up again. — Tim Allen

I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify. — Tim Allen

My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn’t have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best. — Tim Allen

A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad’s car. I don’t blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don’t have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really. — Tim Allen

But separate a man from his car–that’s inhuman. — Tim Allen

You are a sad, strage little man. — Tim Allen

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times. — Tim Allen

I have a thing for tools. — Tim Allen

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise. — Tim Allen

I’m one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills. — Tim Allen

If it doesn’t say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it. — Tim Allen

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. — Tim Allen

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex–quality screwdriver. — Tim Allen