It’s a fine night to have an evening. — Steven Wright

I’m so tired… I was up all night trying to round off infinity. — Steven Wright

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake–up letter. — Steven Alexander

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night–and I’d dream about it being me. — Steven Alexander

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it’s going to be up all night. — Steven Wright

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn’t rise. — Steven Wright

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. — Steven Alexander

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. — Steven Wright

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof? — Steven Wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, “Do I know you? — Steven Wright

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints. — Steven Wright

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world. — Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world. — Steven Wright

I’m kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. — Steven Wright

So, do you live around here often? — Steven Alexander

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? — Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. — Steven Alexander

I live on a one–way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. — Steven Alexander

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there? — Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious! — Steven Alexander

I have a map of the United States… Actual size. It says, ‘Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.’ I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, ‘E6. — Steven Wright

Cross–country skiing is great if you live in a small country. — Steven Wright

They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge. — Steven Wright

There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. — Steven Wright

Women… can’t live with ’em…… can’t shoot ’em — Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. — Steven Wright

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. — Steven Wright

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. — Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. — Steven Alexander

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps — Steven Wright

The speed of time is one second per second. — Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. — Steven Alexander

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost. — Steven Wright

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. — Steven Wright

My secret to staying young… Having no sense of time. — Steven Alexander

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity? — Steven Wright

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time. — Steven Wright

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time. — Steven Wright

I laugh all the time–at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business. — Steven Alexander

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time. — Steven Wright

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. — Steven Wright

Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for. — Steven Wright

I’m seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There’s no black and white to it. But sometimes I’m seeing it like I’m 4. — Steven Alexander

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself. — Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read — Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn’t have any hands or numbers. He says it’s very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me. — Steven Wright

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. — Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety. — Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. — Steven Wright

I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get a tractor that small! — Steven Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. — Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. — Steven Wright

I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters. — Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically. — Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again. — Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. — Steven Alexander

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? — Steven Alexander

When I was 16… I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because… they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. — Steven Alexander

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, ‘If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? — Steven Wright

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said ‘pet supplies.’ So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, ‘Compact cars. — Steven Wright

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. — Steven Wright

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, “Give me all of the money in the vault, or I’m marking down everything in the store. — Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale. ‘How much for the garage’ ‘It’s not for sale.’ — Steven Wright

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? — Steven Alexander

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. — Steven Wright

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost. — Steven Alexander

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birth mark til he was eight years old. — Steven Wright

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that’s much better. — Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. — Steven Alexander

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, “Hey, these records are all blank. — Steven Wright

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns…behind his ears. I think he’s weird because he wears false teeth…with braces on them. — Steven Wright

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had. — Steven Wright

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn’t hear what he said. — Steven Wright

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. — Steven Wright

I didn’t tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn’t happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. — Steven Alexander

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. — Steven Alexander

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you? — Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. I told everybody I’m Narcissus. — Steven Wright

When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven’t spoken since. — Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for? — Steven Wright

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it. — Steven Wright

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self–help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” —

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. — Steven Wright

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. — Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn’t go up the stairs. — Steven Wright

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension. — Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above… so I never have to go upstairs. — Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. — Steven Wright

Last night i stayed up late playing poker with tarot cards. i got a full house and four people died. — Steven Wright

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see–through wallpaper. — Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. — Steven Wright

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint… it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again. — Steven Wright

I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house. — Steven Alexander

All the plants in my house are dead–I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes. — Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it… it feels real. — Steven Wright

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick — Steven Wright

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them. — Steven Wright