If you pray for rain long enough, it eventually does fall. If you pray for floodwaters to abate, they eventually do. The same happens in the absence of prayers. — Steve Allen

Given a little time for the pain to subside, dreadful experiences often can be the basis of funny jokes or stories. — Steve Allen

In a rational society we would want our presidents to be teachers. In our actual society we insist they be cheerleaders. — Steve Allen

I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That’s how I lost my mind. — Steve Allen

This is The Tonight Show. I can’t tell you too much about it, other than the fact that this program is going to go on forever. — Steve Allen

One social evil for which the New Testament is clearly in part responsible is anti–Semitism. — Steve Allen

Thousands of years ago only Christ could walk on the water. Today anybody can do it; you just step on the garbage. — Steve Allen

One of the nice things about problems is that a good many of them do not exist except in our imaginations. — Steve Allen

There used to be an art form called the ‘comedy of manners.’ Why aren’t comedies of manners made now in this country? The answer is simple. We no longer have manners to speak of. — Steve Allen

God is by definition the holder of all possible knowledge, it would be impossible for him to have faith in anything. Faith, then, is built upon ignorance and hope. — Steve Allen

It often seems that, for whatever strange reasons, comedians, in addition to their formal performances, have more comic experiences in real life than other people do. — Steve Allen

The secret to my success, is that I’m just too dumb to know that I can’t do it. — Steve Allen

What people will–or will not–laugh at is mainly determined by their social conditioning. — Steve Allen

We are entitled to make almost any reasonable assumption, but should resist making conclusions until evidence requires that we do so. — Steve Allen

Son of a bitch! You’re Steve Allen! — Steve Allen

If we do not know what humor is, that may be because we do not know what humankind is. — Steve Allen

Do not allow children to mix drinks. it is unseemly and they use too much vermouth. — Steve Allen

There are few pages of history which do not demonstrate that public prayer and ritual never inoculated people against mass–madness and cruelty. What is needed is emphasis on morality and manners. — Steve Allen

Dark energy is perhaps the biggest mystery in physics. — Steve Allen

Everybody is somewhere. — Steve Allen

Much of the best humor is found in the frequently tragic reality of human experience. — Steve Allen

Totalitarianism is patriotism institutionalized. — Steve Allen

If there is a God, the phrase that must disgust him is–holy war. — Steve Allen

Millions of Germans had absolute faith in Hitler. Millions of Russians had faith in Stalin. Millions of Chinese had faith in Mao. Billions have had faith in imaginary gods. — Steve Allen

Nothing is better than the unintended humor of reality. — Steve Allen

Pretend you’re a southern sheriff. Or Mae West. Or Donald Duck. Buy a western hat and walk around the house like a cowboy. The point of all this, of course, is to draw yourself out of your accustomed groove. — Steve Allen

To the extent that there is anything properly identifiable as dignity in our society today, our present writers of comedy would be inclined to treat it as a proper object of ridicule. — Steve Allen

We must never forget that both good and evil flow from the Bible. It is therefore not above criticism. — Steve Allen

Just as with cars, it’s critical to know the fuel efficiency of black holes. — Steve Allen

I’m all for sex. Seven nights a week. Days, too. — Steve Allen

The hair is real–it’s the head that’s a fake. — Steve Allen

There is scarcely a page of the Bible on which an open mind does not perceive a contradiction, an unlikely story, an obvious error, an historical impossibility of one sort or another. — Steve Allen

We will take almost any kind of criticism except the observation that we have no sense of humor. — Steve Allen

Many comedians and comedy writers have shared the childhood experience of learning to joke to protect themselves from neighborhood bullies when challenge or physical defense were not among the sensible options. — Steve Allen

Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots. — Steve Allen