The Best Stephen Colbert quotes

Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth. — Stephen Colbert

Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me. — Stephen Colbert

I scream, you scream, we all scream… for the truth. — Stephen Colbert

I deliver my Truth hot and hard. — Stephen Colbert

Knock Knock. Who’s there? The Truth. No joke. — Stephen Colbert

We’re not talking about truth, we’re talking about something that seems like truth–the truth we want to exist. — Stephen Colbert

Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area. — Stephen Colbert

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, ‘Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth.’ — Stephen Colbert

There’s nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious. — Stephen Colbert

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it ‘The No Fact Zone. — Stephen Colbert

You don’t need the right facts if you have the right inflection. — Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think. — Stephen Colbert

I don’t like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist. — Stephen Colbert

One day,I might be able to tell my grandkids I interviewed the last president of the United States. — Stephen Colbert

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday–no matter what happened Tuesday. — Stephen Colbert

The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it––Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election. — Stephen Colbert

Will Herman Cain become the first black President that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he’s an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he’s a horse. — Stephen Colbert

Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith. — Stephen Colbert

President Bush, have a hot dog with me. — Stephen Colbert

After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it! — Stephen Colbert

We couldn’t explain to anyone how the world was different now, We had no vocabulary for what you shoWed us. — Stephen Colbert

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. — Stephen Colbert

No one has any idea what’s going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That’s why he’s building those rockets. He wants a ‘Plan B’ on another world. — Stephen Colbert

Global warming isn’t real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate. — Stephen Colbert

North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of ‘Ooh, please pay attention to us.’ — Stephen Colbert

Republicans and nerds have so much in common––they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women. — Stephen Colbert

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it. — Stephen Colbert

Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies — Stephen Colbert

Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison. — Stephen Colbert

You can change the world. Please don’t do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now. — Stephen Colbert

Thankfully, dreams can change. If we’d all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. — Stephen Colbert

As we all know, reality has a liberal bias. — Stephen Colbert

I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote. — Stephen Colbert

I’m a huge news junkie. I love what the news does. — Stephen Colbert

Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you’re old. — Stephen Colbert

Love means never having to say you’re sorry. That’s why I never apologize to my mirror. — Stephen Colbert

I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience. — Stephen Colbert

And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself. — Stephen Colbert

Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert

I love the truth. It’s the facts I’m not a fan of. — Stephen Colbert

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do. — Stephen Colbert

I love the earth. If you ask me it’s the greatest planet in the world. — Stephen Colbert

I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don’t know what I’d believe in if it wasn’t for that. — Stephen Colbert

I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex? — Stephen Colbert

Everybody loves dogs. They’re the pizza of the animal kingdom. — Stephen Colbert

Don’t be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert

Yes, helping the poor helps keep them stuck in poverty. As Jesus said, ‘Tough love thy neighbor as thyself, get your own loaves and fishes.’––Stephen Colbert — Stephen Colbert

I love making observations. That one is a classic example. — Stephen Colbert

You gotta learn to love when you’re failing…. The embracing of that, the discomfort of failing in front of an audience, leads you to penetrate through the fear that blinds you. Fear is the mind killer. — Stephen Colbert

There’s nothing more I love than McDonald’s dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion. — Stephen Colbert

It’s like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is. — Stephen Colbert

Ouch, fox news ! you pledged to be there for him, for better or worse. — Stephen Colbert

On fox news)…. it’s like watching a Disney movie about the news. — Stephen Colbert

If it’s called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday? — Stephen Colbert

I’m not here to affect you politically or socially. I’m here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes. — Stephen Colbert

Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news. — Stephen Colbert

It’s a game. That’s why we call it ‘the news.’ It’s just a game. — Stephen Colbert

The greatest threat facing American today–next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress–is the national news media. — Stephen Colbert

Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts. — Stephen Colbert

News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don’t point to communist societies like the Soviet Union–they worshipped blue jeans. — Stephen Colbert

We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in. — Stephen Colbert

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am. — Stephen Colbert

That’s my parenting style–’Go watch the TV.’ I’m one of 11 children, and my mother’s parenting style was, ‘There’s the TV. Go watch it. Mommy’s got 10 other people to take care of.’ — Stephen Colbert

In God’s eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards. — Stephen Colbert

Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. — Stephen Colbert

Creating a company is almost like having a child, so it’s sort of like, how do you say your child should not have food? — Stephen Colbert

America used to live by the motto ‘Father Knows Best.’ Now we’re lucky if ‘Father Knows He Has Children.’ We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies. — Stephen Colbert

It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies. — Stephen Colbert

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God? — Stephen Colbert

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal–Mart. — Stephen Colbert

A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: ‘I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust. — Stephen Colbert

If we don’t cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children? — Stephen Colbert

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family. — Stephen Colbert

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight. — Stephen Colbert

If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen? — Stephen Colbert

You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you’ve always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know–fiction. — Stephen Colbert

No. your movie‘stuart saves his family ‘ was intended to be funny but was n’t, that photo was intended to embarrass his family ‘. that’s why he did it while his family ‘ was asleep. — Stephen Colbert

And of course I don’t go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I’m carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it’s a family name; I’m not changing it. — Stephen Colbert

We are thrilled that Jon Batiste is joining ‘The Late Show’ family of products. For my money, nobody plays like Jon Batiste. And you can trust me, because it is my money. — Stephen Colbert

Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I’m not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it’s at least Gay–rusalem. — Stephen Colbert

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family! — Stephen Colbert

I believe gender is a spectrum, and I fall somewhere between Channing Tatum and Winnie the Pooh. — Stephen Colbert

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. — Stephen Colbert

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade… which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake. — Stephen Colbert

Sixty eight percent of Republicans don’t believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans. — Stephen Colbert

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible–I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. — Stephen Colbert

Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me ‘sir’. — Stephen Colbert

History moves fast. It’s hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did! — Stephen Colbert

I believe all God’s creatures have a soul… except bears, bears are Godless killing machines! — Stephen Colbert

To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy. — Stephen Colbert