The Best Rodney Dangerfield quotes

Rodney Dangerfield quotes thumbnail

Rodney Dangerfield is a comedian who was born in 1921. He became famous for his stand up comedy routine and by playing the character Rip Taylor on TV show, Saturday Night Live. Throughout his life he struggled with being told that he wasn’t good enough because of his height. Rodney has made it his mission to not only make himself feel better but also inspire others to do the same by sharing some of his best quotes about not giving up on their dreams no matter what obstacles they face.
Here are the best phrases from Rodney Dangerfield.

Discover the most inspiring Wife, Asked, Told, Girls, Home, Doctor, Time, Night, Took quotes from Rodney Dangerfield, and much more.

Summary

About Rodney Dangerfield

birth of the author

Born:
November 22, 1921

death of the author

Died:
October 5, 2004

medium of the author

Medium:
Stand-Up, Film, Television

country of the author

Nationality:
American

date of the author

Years Active:
1936-2004

genre of the author

Genres:
Observational Comedy, Insult Comedy, Black Comedy, Surreal Humor, One-Liners

website of the author

Website:
rodney.com

RODNEY DANGERFIELD QUOTES ON WIFE

I asked my wife, ‘Is there somebody else?’ She said, ‘There MUST be.’ β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has teeth like the stars… they come out at night. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I’ll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

i asked my wife is there somebody else she said there must be Rodney Dangerfield quote

My wife she’s fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she’d be perfectly round. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex–my wife screwed in front of the jury. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and i were happy for twenty years. then we met. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

Never tell your wife she’s bad in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

my wife has teeth like the stars they come out at night Rodney Dangerfield quote

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don’t believe meatloaf should glow in the dark β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I’ve got the only dog who begs for alka–seltzer. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My wife gives good headache. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

my wife and i have olympic sex once every four years Rodney Dangerfield quote

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My ex–wife is a water sign and I’m an earth sign. Together we made mud. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed–she went out–she got a second opinion. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

i ll tell you one thing i know how to satisfy my wife in bed yeah i leave Rodney Dangerfield quote

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

RODNEY DANGERFIELD QUOTES ON TOOK

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me! β€” Rodney Dangerfield

what a childhood i had why when i took my first step my old man tripped me Rodney Dangerfield quote

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!! β€” Rodney Dangerfield

She failed her drivers test. She couldn’t get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya when I fly, I don’t get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin’ and had to do the dishes. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

RODNEY DANGERFIELD QUOTES ON TOLD

A hooker once told me she had a headache. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

a hooker once told me she had a headache Rodney Dangerfield quote

I told my kids, ‘Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.’ One of them said, ‘So will you. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol’ man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my old man if I could go ice–skating on the lake. He told me, ‘Wait til it gets warmer. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous–everyone hasn’t met me yet. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

my mother never breast fed me she told me she only liked me as a friend Rodney Dangerfield quote

My wife’s not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. She said, β€˜All kids smell that way.’ β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn’t eaten in four days. I told him, ‘Man, I wish I had your willpower. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my psychiatrist, ‘I keep thinking about suicide’, and he told me from now I have to pay in advance. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

i told my dentist my teeth are going yellow he told me to wear a brown tie Rodney Dangerfield quote

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn’t, so he nailed down my other foot! β€” Rodney Dangerfield

RODNEY DANGERFIELD QUOTES ABOUT TIME

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: ‘Basement?’ β€” Rodney Dangerfield

At Christmas time we couldn’t afford tinsel, so we’d wait till grandpa sneezed. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

time and tide and hookers wait for no man Rodney Dangerfield quote

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone! β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, ‘What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?’ β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

every time i get in an elevator the operator says the same thing to me basement Rodney Dangerfield quote

And my girlfriend, she’s FAT! How fat? She’s so fat she wears two watches–one for each time zone! β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I said to a girl I’d been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I’ll show you where it’s at. She said, You’d better, because the last time I could’nt find it. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

at christmas time we couldn t afford tinsel so we d wait till grandpa sneezed Rodney Dangerfield quote

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! β€” Rodney Dangerfield

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

do ya remember the first time you had sex i do and boy was i scared i was alone Rodney Dangerfield quote

At Christmas time I sat on Santa’s lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me ! β€” Rodney Dangerfield

Redundant Thematics

In Rodney Dangerfield Statements

wife
girl
asked
told
home
ugly
doctor
time
night
took

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh! β€” Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

RODNEY DANGERFIELD QUOTES ON DOCTOR

When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

when i was born i was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother Rodney Dangerfield quote

I get no respect… I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother β€” Rodney Dangerfield

With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I went to see my doctor. β€˜Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?’ He said, β€˜I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.’ β€” Rodney Dangerfield

i get no respect i tell you when i was born the doctor smacked my mother Rodney Dangerfield quote

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun! β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor, ‘I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills’ and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

What a doctor I’ve got–he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

my doctor told me to watch my drinking now i drink in front of a mirror Rodney Dangerfield quote

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab! β€” Rodney Dangerfield

RODNEY DANGERFIELD QUOTES ON ASKED

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, ‘I don’t know, no one has ever made it’. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My son’s an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state? β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I asked him ‘Who said you could fool around with my wife’ he said everybody. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, ‘How can I get my kite in the air?’ He told me to run off a cliff. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

i asked him who said you could fool around with my wife he said everybody Rodney Dangerfield quote

One year they asked me to be poster boy–for birth control. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

RODNEY DANGERFIELD QUOTES ABOUT THE NIGHT

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her ‘you cooked it, you take it out’. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times–three while I was reading it. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

a travel agent told i could spend 7 nights in hawaii no days just nights Rodney Dangerfield quote

I went to a fIght the other nIght, and a hockey game broke out. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

RODNEY DANGERFIELD QUOTES ON HOME

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won’t let me toke at home. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

sure i smoked pot in hospital my wife won t let me toke at home Rodney Dangerfield quote

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, ‘Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’ β€” Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I’m gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, ‘Why are you jogging in your underwear?’ He says, ‘You came home from work early’. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I took my son to Coney island, I said ‘wanna go in the crazy house?’, he said ‘save your money we’ll be home soon’! β€” Rodney Dangerfield

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

RODNEY DANGERFIELD QUOTES ON GIRLS

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can’t I meet a girl with normal parents? β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women’s prisons, and wait for parolees. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

i used to date a girl from buffalo why can t i meet a girl with normal parents Rodney Dangerfield quote

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

With girls, I don’t think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint–a Saint Bernard! β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu…. she bid me a don’t. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

i had a date with an inflatable girl now i got an inflatable guy looking for me Rodney Dangerfield quote

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

Well with girls I don’t get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I’m not Louise. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

i knew a girl so ugly she had a face like a saint a saint bernard Rodney Dangerfield quote

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull. β€” Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two–bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. β€” Rodney Dangerfield