The Best Rodney Dangerfield quotes

I asked my wife, ‘Is there somebody else?’ She said, ‘There MUST be.’ — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has teeth like the stars… they come out at night. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years. — Rodney Dangerfield

I’ll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife she’s fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she’d be perfectly round. — Rodney Dangerfield

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex–my wife screwed in front of the jury. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and i were happy for twenty years. then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. — Rodney Dangerfield

Never tell your wife she’s bad in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion. — Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don’t believe meatloaf should glow in the dark — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I’ve got the only dog who begs for alka–seltzer. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife gives good headache. — Rodney Dangerfield

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. — Rodney Dangerfield

My ex–wife is a water sign and I’m an earth sign. Together we made mud. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday. — Rodney Dangerfield

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed–she went out–she got a second opinion. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. — Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. — Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. — Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. — Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me! — Rodney Dangerfield

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!! — Rodney Dangerfield

She failed her drivers test. She couldn’t get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya when I fly, I don’t get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin’ and had to do the dishes. — Rodney Dangerfield

A hooker once told me she had a headache. — Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my kids, ‘Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.’ One of them said, ‘So will you. — Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride. — Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol’ man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment. — Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my old man if I could go ice–skating on the lake. He told me, ‘Wait til it gets warmer. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous–everyone hasn’t met me yet. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife’s not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. She said, ‘All kids smell that way.’ — Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. — Rodney Dangerfield

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn’t eaten in four days. I told him, ‘Man, I wish I had your willpower. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. — Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my psychiatrist, ‘I keep thinking about suicide’, and he told me from now I have to pay in advance. — Rodney Dangerfield

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn’t, so he nailed down my other foot! — Rodney Dangerfield

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man. — Rodney Dangerfield

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: ‘Basement?’ — Rodney Dangerfield

At Christmas time we couldn’t afford tinsel, so we’d wait till grandpa sneezed. — Rodney Dangerfield

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already. — Rodney Dangerfield

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone! — Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. — Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, ‘What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?’ — Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers. — Rodney Dangerfield

And my girlfriend, she’s FAT! How fat? She’s so fat she wears two watches–one for each time zone! — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing. — Rodney Dangerfield

I said to a girl I’d been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I’ll show you where it’s at. She said, You’d better, because the last time I could’nt find it. — Rodney Dangerfield

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit. — Rodney Dangerfield

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me. — Rodney Dangerfield

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! — Rodney Dangerfield

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings. — Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. — Rodney Dangerfield

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away. — Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it. — Rodney Dangerfield

At Christmas time I sat on Santa’s lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me ! — Rodney Dangerfield

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh! — Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. — Rodney Dangerfield

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. — Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. — Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect… I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother — Rodney Dangerfield

With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one. — Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. — Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through. — Rodney Dangerfield

I went to see my doctor. ‘Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?’ He said, ‘I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.’ — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun! — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor, ‘I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills’ and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. — Rodney Dangerfield

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself. — Rodney Dangerfield

What a doctor I’ve got–he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin. — Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab! — Rodney Dangerfield

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, ‘I don’t know, no one has ever made it’. — Rodney Dangerfield

My son’s an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state? — Rodney Dangerfield

I asked him ‘Who said you could fool around with my wife’ he said everybody. — Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, ‘How can I get my kite in the air?’ He told me to run off a cliff. — Rodney Dangerfield

One year they asked me to be poster boy–for birth control. — Rodney Dangerfield

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her ‘you cooked it, you take it out’. — Rodney Dangerfield

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel. — Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times–three while I was reading it. — Rodney Dangerfield

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights. — Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fIght the other nIght, and a hockey game broke out. — Rodney Dangerfield

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night. — Rodney Dangerfield

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it. — Rodney Dangerfield

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won’t let me toke at home. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. — Rodney Dangerfield

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, ‘Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’ — Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I’m gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark. — Rodney Dangerfield

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, ‘Why are you jogging in your underwear?’ He says, ‘You came home from work early’. — Rodney Dangerfield

I took my son to Coney island, I said ‘wanna go in the crazy house?’, he said ‘save your money we’ll be home soon’! — Rodney Dangerfield

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home. — Rodney Dangerfield

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida. — Rodney Dangerfield

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can’t I meet a girl with normal parents? — Rodney Dangerfield

I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. — Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women’s prisons, and wait for parolees. — Rodney Dangerfield

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me. — Rodney Dangerfield

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms. — Rodney Dangerfield

With girls, I don’t think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex. — Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home. — Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint–a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu…. she bid me a don’t. — Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. — Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. — Rodney Dangerfield

Well with girls I don’t get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I’m not Louise. — Rodney Dangerfield

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind. — Rodney Dangerfield

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now. — Rodney Dangerfield

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull. — Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two–bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. — Rodney Dangerfield