The Best Rita Rudner quotes

Rita Rudner quotes thumbnail

If you’re looking for a little inspiration, look no further than the life of Rita Rudner. This businesswoman and comedian has had an interesting and successful career, something that any entrepreneur can learn from. Whether you’re just starting out or have been in business for years, Rita’s story is sure to inspire you to keep moving forward.

Here are the strongest Love, Women, Time, Husband, Life, Children, Mor quotes from Rita Rudner, and much more.

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About Rita Rudner

birth of the author

Born:
September 17, 1953

medium of the author

Medium:
Comedy

country of the author

Nationality:
American

date of the author

Years Active:
1968-Present

RITA RUDNER QUOTES ON WOMEN

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. — Rita Rudner

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes. — Rita Rudner

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. — Rita Rudner

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. — Rita Rudner

men like cars women like clothes women only like cars because they take them to clothes Rita Rudner quote

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit. — Rita Rudner

Men are self–confident because they grow up identifying with super–heroes. Women have bad self–images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. — Rita Rudner

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. — Rita Rudner

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I’ve gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends… one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. — Rita Rudner

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replay in sports. They’ve already forgotten what’s happened. — Rita Rudner

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. — Rita Rudner

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: ‘Mitch, you look great.’ Mitch: ‘Thanks.’ On the other side: ‘Ruth, you look great.’ Ruth: ‘I do? Must be the lighting. — Rita Rudner

Men have better self–images than women. You know what I’ve never seen in a men’s magazine? A makeover. — Rita Rudner

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. — Rita Rudner

Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one’s girlfriend. — Rita Rudner

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. — Rita Rudner

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they’re married to. — Rita Rudner

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. — Rita Rudner

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don’t like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men–how about ‘New Car Interior’? — Rita Rudner

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire? — Rita Rudner

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty–five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? — Rita Rudner

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say ‘Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo. — Rita Rudner

I just don’t get cats. To me, they’re a waste of fur. — Rita Rudner

RITA RUDNER QUOTES ABOUT LOVE

I love to write jokes and that’s all I think about. — Rita Rudner

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn’t it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious. — Rita Rudner

i love to write jokes and that s all i think about Rita Rudner quote

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. — Rita Rudner

I love beIng marrIed. It’s so great to fInd that one specIal person you want to annoy for the rest of your lIfe. — Rita Rudner

I’m not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it’s up to me, and I go straight to the audience. — Rita Rudner

Men who write love letters don’t live in this century. — Rita Rudner

Before i met my husband, i’d never fallen in love, though i’d stepped in it a few times. — Rita Rudner

i just love dogs and there really is no better companion than an animal Rita Rudner quote

When I want to end a relationship I just say, ‘You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.’ Sometimes they leave skid marks. — Rita Rudner

You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty. — Rita Rudner

Most women are introspective: ‘Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?’ Most men are outrospective: ‘Did my team win? How’s my car? — Rita Rudner

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. — Rita Rudner

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose. — Rita Rudner

men who write love letters don t live in this century Rita Rudner quote

RITA RUDNER QUOTES ON MOTHER

My mother buried three husbands–and two of them were only napping. — Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. — Rita Rudner

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now. — Rita Rudner

Redundant Thematics

In Rita Rudner Statements

love
woman
time
husband
life
mother
married

My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing. — Rita Rudner

RITA RUDNER QUOTES ON LIFE

I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life. — Rita Rudner

i jogged for three miles once it was the worst three hours of my life Rita Rudner quote

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. — Rita Rudner

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. — Rita Rudner

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this. — Rita Rudner

I gave my father $100 and saId, ‘buy yourself somethIng that wIll make your lIfe easIer.’ so he went out and bought a present for my mother. — Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. — Rita Rudner

life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside Rita Rudner quote

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother. — Rita Rudner

I adore being hitched. It’s so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life. — Rita Rudner

RITA RUDNER QUOTES ABOUT CHILDREN

Whenever I date a guy, I think, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’ — Rita Rudner

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. — Rita Rudner

I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them. — Rita Rudner

i know i want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them Rita Rudner quote

Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? — Rita Rudner

Never play peek–a–boo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, ‘Look, it’s always gonna be me! — Rita Rudner

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. — Rita Rudner

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962. — Rita Rudner

RITA RUDNER QUOTES ABOUT TIME

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. — Rita Rudner

my mother is such a lousy cook that thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow Rita Rudner quote

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. — Rita Rudner

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. — Rita Rudner

I get a lot of return business. I think it’s all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. — Rita Rudner

I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow. — Rita Rudner

Yes, I’ve now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L–shaped ones. Unfortunately, it’s a lower case l. — Rita Rudner

RITA RUDNER QUOTES ON HUSBAND

I’m not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he’s going to be in the room when there’s a delivery is if there’s a pizza involved. — Rita Rudner

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words ‘we need to talk about our relationship’ may help. — Rita Rudner

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush. — Rita Rudner

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we’re covered. He tells me who’s in the movie and I tell him what’s in his sandwich. Together we’re human bifocals. — Rita Rudner

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift. — Rita Rudner

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, ‘Are we going to have sex again?’ He said, ‘Yes, but not with each other. — Rita Rudner

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn’t admit he’d forgotten the code… he turned himself in. — Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head. — Rita Rudner

RITA RUDNER Quotes Take Away

Although Rudner is a comedian, her words ring true for any business professional. The quotes we’ve shared from her are inspiring and remind us that laughter really can be the best medicine-especially when it comes to dealing with stress. We hope you’ve enjoyed this brief glimpse into the world of Rita Rudner and her humorous insights on work and life. If you want to learn more about how to inject some fun into your business or marketing strategy, check out our courses page. We have a variety of options available that can help you take your career (or business) to the next level.

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