The Best Phyllis Diller quotes

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comedic icon phyllis diller has always been a trailblazer. as one of the first female comedians in the 1950s, she shattered the glass ceiling for women in comedy. her sharp wit and unique style made her a household name, and she quickly became one of the most popular entertainers in america. though her career has spanned six decades, diller has never stopped trying new things. she’s released albums, written books, and even acted in television and film. through it all, diller has remained an inspiration to aspiring comedians and anyone who’s ever dared to dream big. today, we take a look at the life of this one-of-a-kind comedian.

We are glad to present you the most known Beauty, Asked, House, Husband, Baby, Fang, Children, Mor quotes from Phyllis Diller, and much more.


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About Phyllis Diller

birth of the author

July 17, 1917

death of the author

August 20, 2012

medium of the author

Stand-Up, Film, Television, Books

college of the author

Alma Mater:
Bluffton College

date of the author

Years Active:

genre of the author

Insult Comedy, Observational Comedy, Musical Comedy, Improvisational Comedy


All mothers are working mothers. — Phyllis Diller

My mother–in–law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: ‘I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch. — Phyllis Diller

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to. — Phyllis Diller

all mothers are working mothers Phyllis Diller quote

My mother–in–law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9×12. — Phyllis Diller

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle — Phyllis Diller


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My mother–in–law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. — Phyllis Diller


You want to look younger… rent smaller children. — Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. — Phyllis Diller

you want to look younger rent smaller children Phyllis Diller quote

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . . — Phyllis Diller

One [expert] said, ‘Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.’ If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn’t sit! — Phyllis Diller

If they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year. — Phyllis Diller

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce. — Phyllis Diller

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. — Phyllis Diller

always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home Phyllis Diller quote

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle–keep away from children. — Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. — Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. — Phyllis Diller

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three–dollar pantyhose that won’t run. — Phyllis Diller


I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet. — Phyllis Diller

burt reynolds once asked me out i was in his room Phyllis Diller quote

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. — Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’ — Phyllis Diller

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball. — Phyllis Diller

I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players. — Phyllis Diller


I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, ‘You must develop some mechanical skills–like getting out of bed. — Phyllis Diller

for fang getting out of bed in the morning is a career move Phyllis Diller quote

Just the other day I said to Fang, ‘Don’t you think we’ve got a storybook romance?’ and he said, ‘Yes, and every page is ripped. — Phyllis Diller

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves. — Phyllis Diller

It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months. — Phyllis Diller

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards. — Phyllis Diller

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move. — Phyllis Diller


Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in. — Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake–even when it’s hot and being spilled on him. — Phyllis Diller

I became a stand–up comedienne because I had a sit–down husband. — Phyllis Diller

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling. — Phyllis Diller

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day. — Phyllis Diller

remarrying a husband you ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in Phyllis Diller quote

My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes. — Phyllis Diller

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? — Phyllis Diller

Redundant Thematics

In Phyllis Diller Statements


Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody. — Phyllis Diller

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him. — Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, ‘A teaspoon before going to bed,’ and in one day he uses seven bottles. — Phyllis Diller

i became a stand up comedienne because i had a sit down husband Phyllis Diller quote

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked. — Phyllis Diller

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him. — Phyllis Diller

Once my husband said to me, ‘I’m going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?’ I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth. — Phyllis Diller

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide. — Phyllis Diller


I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller

i was the world s ugliest baby when i was born the doctor slapped everybody Phyllis Diller quote

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. — Phyllis Diller

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest. — Phyllis Diller

I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning. — Phyllis Diller

I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade! — Phyllis Diller


It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core. — Phyllis Diller

it s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep or i d be rotten to the core Phyllis Diller quote

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor… I was committed! — Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. — Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate. — Phyllis Diller

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate. — Phyllis Diller

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get–well cards. — Phyllis Diller

most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor i was committed Phyllis Diller quote

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10–day beauty plan. — Phyllis Diller

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality. — Phyllis Diller


My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven’t been back since the night I tried on all my wigs. — Phyllis Diller

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’ — Phyllis Diller

Fang can’t stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition. — Phyllis Diller

i met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs Phyllis Diller quote

When buying a new house … Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can’t come home for lunch. — Phyllis Diller

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs. — Phyllis Diller

Mothers–in–law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream––I dreamed that mothers–in–law cost money and I couldn’t afford one. — Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction. — Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. — Phyllis Diller

The last thing I’d learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. — Phyllis Diller


Phyllis Diller was a hilarious comedienne and actress, but she also had some serious things to say about life. Her quotes are full of wisdom and can help us all remember that laughter really is the best medicine. We hope you’ve enjoyed these funny and inspiring quotes from Phyllis Diller. As always, if you want to learn more about how to use humor in your marketing, be sure to check out our courses page where we have plenty of information for you.

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