All mothers are working mothers. — Phyllis Diller

My mother–in–law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: ‘I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch. — Phyllis Diller

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to. — Phyllis Diller

My mother–in–law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9×12. — Phyllis Diller

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle — Phyllis Diller

My mother–in–law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. — Phyllis Diller

You want to look younger… rent smaller children. — Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. — Phyllis Diller

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . . — Phyllis Diller

One [expert] said, ‘Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.’ If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn’t sit! — Phyllis Diller

If they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year. — Phyllis Diller

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce. — Phyllis Diller

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. — Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle–keep away from children. — Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. — Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. — Phyllis Diller

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three–dollar pantyhose that won’t run. — Phyllis Diller

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet. — Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. — Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’ — Phyllis Diller

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball. — Phyllis Diller

I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players. — Phyllis Diller

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, ‘You must develop some mechanical skills–like getting out of bed. — Phyllis Diller

Just the other day I said to Fang, ‘Don’t you think we’ve got a storybook romance?’ and he said, ‘Yes, and every page is ripped. — Phyllis Diller

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves. — Phyllis Diller

It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months. — Phyllis Diller

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards. — Phyllis Diller

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move. — Phyllis Diller

Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in. — Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake–even when it’s hot and being spilled on him. — Phyllis Diller

I became a stand–up comedienne because I had a sit–down husband. — Phyllis Diller

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling. — Phyllis Diller

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day. — Phyllis Diller

My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes. — Phyllis Diller

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? — Phyllis Diller

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody. — Phyllis Diller

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him. — Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, ‘A teaspoon before going to bed,’ and in one day he uses seven bottles. — Phyllis Diller

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked. — Phyllis Diller

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him. — Phyllis Diller

Once my husband said to me, ‘I’m going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?’ I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth. — Phyllis Diller

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide. — Phyllis Diller

I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. — Phyllis Diller

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest. — Phyllis Diller

I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning. — Phyllis Diller

I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade! — Phyllis Diller

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core. — Phyllis Diller

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor… I was committed! — Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. — Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate. — Phyllis Diller

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate. — Phyllis Diller

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get–well cards. — Phyllis Diller

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10–day beauty plan. — Phyllis Diller

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality. — Phyllis Diller

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven’t been back since the night I tried on all my wigs. — Phyllis Diller

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’ — Phyllis Diller

Fang can’t stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition. — Phyllis Diller

When buying a new house … Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can’t come home for lunch. — Phyllis Diller

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs. — Phyllis Diller

Mothers–in–law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream––I dreamed that mothers–in–law cost money and I couldn’t afford one. — Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction. — Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. — Phyllis Diller

The last thing I’d learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. — Phyllis Diller