I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar. — Andy Kindler

I don’t really know what’s wrong with Jay Leno. I don’t have the training to make a professional diagnosis. — Andy Kindler

Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny. — Andy Kindler

I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character. — Andy Kindler

Jewish people, we don’t need the money. We’re doctors and lawyers. It’s the Christians who can’t hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money. — Andy Kindler

Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone! — Andy Kindler

Some of my inventions didn’t take off. I invented a url lengthener. — Andy Kindler

Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One’s called It’s Getting Muggy In Here. — Andy Kindler

Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it’s the funniest. — Andy Kindler

There’s a lot of controversy online, some people say i’m a genius and other say i’m hugely talented. — Andy Kindler

George Lopez does so much mugging, I’m surprised he’s not up on charges. — Andy Kindler

My cat’s fully capable of speaking, but he says he’s afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle. — Andy Kindler

I’m sorry and ashamed to report that I’m not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust. — Andy Kindler

Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan’s show, Conan O’Brien was so offended by Larry’s material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended. — Andy Kindler

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street. — Andy Kindler

I’m still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I’m going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I’m going after Hitler. — Andy Kindler

I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this. — Andy Kindler

Why does Louis CK get named Comedy Person of the Year? I should be named Comedy Person of the Year just so I can parlay it into another few weeks of road work. — Andy Kindler

Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel. — Andy Kindler

Cnn has a thing called You Choose the News. Y’know what Cnn? I’m turning you on because I don’t know the news. I was hoping you could help me. — Andy Kindler

Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery. — Andy Kindler

Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped. — Andy Kindler

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said ‘get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone. — Andy Kindler

I believe at the end of my career I’ll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame. — Andy Kindler

I don’t think there’s anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad–libbing is not the same as entertainment. — Andy Kindler

I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen’s show and were disappointed. That didn’t seem very organized! That guy’s all over the map! — Andy Kindler

I don’t remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember–I killed! That’s what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar–mitzvah. It was over when I was done. — Andy Kindler

I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert. — Andy Kindler

I’m on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I’m unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn’t also like iCarly. — Andy Kindler

If I don’t believe in Jesus, maybe I don’t believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You’re so excited about it, why don’t you go to Hell? It’s your concept; you invented it. — Andy Kindler

I do have insecurities. I don’t know if you can tell. I’m not brimming with confidence. — Andy Kindler

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car. — Andy Kindler

Ever since I’ve switched to the clean syringes, I’ve never felt better in my entire life. — Andy Kindler

Bj Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles. — Andy Kindler

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch’s face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie? — Andy Kindler

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory. — Andy Kindler

I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about. — Andy Kindler

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don’t realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains. — Andy Kindler

I don’t like any nastiness on tv unless it’s coming from me. — Andy Kindler

Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks. — Andy Kindler

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major. — Andy Kindler

I don’t know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it’s no act. — Andy Kindler