In love, we are best pleased when we please others. — Norm Macdonald

Few people love with the violence they hate. — Norm Macdonald

Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love. — Norm Macdonald

I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can’t stay in the same place. People think you’re a loser. — Norm Macdonald

I’ve been in theaters. Like Brian Regan, who I love–loved him so much more when he did the Improvs. And then in a big theater–nobody’s that good. — Norm Macdonald

It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated. — Norm Macdonald

You can’t love your team without hating another team. — Norm Macdonald

I like doing a funny show where I don’t have to act and fall in love with a girl. — Norm Macdonald

Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite. — Norm Macdonald

I have always loved Las Vegas. It’s a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that. — Norm Macdonald

In love, first please the eye, then win the heart. — Norm Macdonald

I love writing–it’s the best. But I really hate collaboration. — Norm Macdonald

Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning. — Norm Macdonald

A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment. — Norm Macdonald

Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones. — Norm Macdonald

I like to do talk show appearances where I get to just be myself, and I do stand–up where I can completely be myself. That’s what I’ve always loved the most, of anything. — Norm Macdonald

Our passions may be compared to certain slaves––the more severity we show them, the better they obey us. — Norm Macdonald

I just hate plugs. It just doesn’t seem entertaining to me. I’ve never plugged anything in my life on a talk show ever. I understand people use that vehicle. It’s just not very entertaining. — Norm Macdonald

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer. — Norm Macdonald

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle. — Norm Macdonald

Generally I don’t like traveling around saying the exact same thing. I don’t think that’s a very good thing to do with your life. — Norm Macdonald

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone. — Norm Macdonald

The plain truth is that Adam Eget is an alcoholic and that’s why he doesn’t drink. Me, I’m not an alcoholic and that’s why I do drink. Life sure is funny that way. — Norm Macdonald

In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape. — Norm Macdonald

The only time having a cult following is a great thing is when you are actually in a cult. — Norm Macdonald

In giving advice, aptitude is often less to be considered, than seasonableness. — Norm Macdonald

Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion. — Norm Macdonald

The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us. — Norm Macdonald

There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion. — Norm Macdonald

The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise. — Norm Macdonald

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it. — Norm Macdonald

Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage. — Norm Macdonald

Letterman is very intimidating because he’s so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he’s a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him. — Norm Macdonald

I’ve just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn’t know them, I wouldn’t know they were funny from the television. I don’t know what it does, it just sucks it away. — Norm Macdonald

Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it’s inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? — Norm Macdonald

He will not kick a man wHen He is down, eddie murphy, i realize, is not like tHe rest of us. eddie does not need tHe laughs. — Norm Macdonald

When I started in Canada, I just did stand–up. — Norm Macdonald

I had a show that people thought used a laugh track. It wasn’t; it was the real audience going crazy after everything that resembled a joke, that they could technically call a joke. — Norm Macdonald

There hasn’t been an original voice in stand–up since Sam Kinison. — Norm Macdonald

Televised stand–up] never really makes me laugh. The only one I ever saw that I liked was Richard Pryor, and that was [shot on] film. — Norm Macdonald

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous. — Norm Macdonald

I’m not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke. — Norm Macdonald

Jealousy seldom punishes with the severity it suffers. — Norm Macdonald

I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up. — Norm Macdonald

You’re trying your best to make people laugh; then if you fail, they hate you. But your intent’s the same. It’s not like you’re trying to do evil to them. — Norm Macdonald

Whenever I do theaters, I don’t like ’em. I don’t think they’re right for stand–up. — Norm Macdonald

Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny. — Norm Macdonald

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude. — Norm Macdonald

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical. — Norm Macdonald

There are these showcase clubs where 14 guys will go on in a row and people are laughing at everything, and I’m like–’I can’t laugh that much. That’s so weird to me.’ — Norm Macdonald

They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it. — Norm Macdonald

I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that. — Norm Macdonald

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money. — Norm Macdonald

Louis [C.K.] is great. But I don’t know how many you could do. — Norm Macdonald

If you watch that show and you didn’t know it was called Seinfeld, you’d think it was called ‘The George Costanza Show’. — Norm Macdonald