The Best Mitch Hedberg quotes

Have you ever tried sugar or PCP? — Mitch Hedberg

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, ‘Have you ever tried sugar or PCP? — Mitch Hedberg

I tried to throw a yo–yo away. It was impossible. — Mitch Hedberg

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that. — Mitch Hedberg

This one commercial said, ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers.’ So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn’t know what they were! — Mitch Hedberg

I trIed to walk Into target, but I mIssed. — Mitch Hedberg

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. — Mitch Hedberg

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. — Mitch Hedberg

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan. — Mitch Hedberg

I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It’s ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. ‘You sound older! — Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre–approved as funny by me. — Mitch Hedberg

I’ve always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That’s not a full joke there! It’s filler. — Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. — Mitch Hedberg

We’re gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. that’s a showbiz term for ‘add sugar to’. — Mitch Hedberg

I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say ‘tomatoes’, then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous. — Mitch Hedberg

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn’t have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice. — Mitch Hedberg

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. — Mitch Hedberg

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny! — Mitch Hedberg

If I was a locksmith, I’d be pimping that out man. I’ll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending. — Mitch Hedberg

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That’s like I wrote a joke that didn’t work, but now I have to tell it for a year. — Mitch Hedberg

I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. — Mitch Hedberg

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on. — Mitch Hedberg

My hotel doesn’t have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c’mon man… People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on. — Mitch Hedberg

I was gonna stay overnight at my friend’s house, he said ‘You’re going to have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity. Got me again! — Mitch Hedberg

I was going to stay overnight at my friend’s house–he said, ‘you’ll have to sleep on the floor.’ Damn gravity! You don’t know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall. — Mitch Hedberg

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong. — Mitch Hedberg

If you want to talk to me after the show, I’d be surprised. — Mitch Hedberg

Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show. — Mitch Hedberg

Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’ — Mitch Hedberg

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. ‘Tom’s gone!’ ‘Is he a magician?’ ‘No.’ ‘Then let’s print up some flyers! — Mitch Hedberg

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up! — Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all. — Mitch Hedberg

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture is of you when you were younger. — Mitch Hedberg

I’m sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It’s time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes. — Mitch Hedberg

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it. — Mitch Hedberg

I have a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on my hotel door. It’s time to go to ‘Don’t Disturb’. It’s been ‘Do Not’ for too long. We should embrace the contraction. — Mitch Hedberg

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way. — Mitch Hedberg

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that’s what it does half the time. — Mitch Hedberg

I love my fed–ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time. — Mitch Hedberg

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re going to quiz me you have to insert a pause. — Mitch Hedberg

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That’s good news. Next time I’m on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I’m saved by the buoyancy of citrus. — Mitch Hedberg

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes. — Mitch Hedberg

Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it’s gonna take a while. I don’t have time. Scrambled! — Mitch Hedberg

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly. — Mitch Hedberg

I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry–go–round, and I gave her a burrito. — Mitch Hedberg

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it. — Mitch Hedberg

I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They’ve got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan. — Mitch Hedberg

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny. — Mitch Hedberg

I like the public hot–tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, ‘Hey, do you mind if I join you?’ Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions. — Mitch Hedberg

I called the hotel operator and she said, ‘How can I direct your call?’ I said, ‘Well, you could say ‘Action!’, and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell ‘Cut!’ — Mitch Hedberg

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in–house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce. — Mitch Hedberg

I cannot tell you what hotel I’m staying at, but there are two trees involved. — Mitch Hedberg

If you’re a fish and you want to be a fish–stick, you have to have very good posture. — Mitch Hedberg

I don’t like grouper fish. Well, they’re okay. They hang around star fish. Because they’re grouper fish. — Mitch Hedberg

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul’s. — Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. — Mitch Hedberg

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen. — Mitch Hedberg

Fish are always eating other Fish. if Fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. you would not want to submerge your head, nothing but Fish going ‘ahhh, fuck! i thought i looked like that rock! — Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’ — Mitch Hedberg

A friend said to me, ‘I think the weather is trippy.’ I said, ‘No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.’ And then I realized I just should have said, ‘Yeah. — Mitch Hedberg

I don’t get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, ‘Do you know anybody who has AIDS?’. He says, ‘No’. I say, ‘Cool, because you know me. — Mitch Hedberg

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, ‘I’m mailing those cookies to my friend.’ So I couldn’t have one. You shouldn’t make cookies untouchable. — Mitch Hedberg

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, ‘Pass the salt.’ I said, ‘Screw you! Sit closer to the salt. — Mitch Hedberg

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable. — Mitch Hedberg

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick. — Mitch Hedberg

If I’m out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, ‘Say thanks! — Mitch Hedberg

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. — Mitch Hedberg