The Best Milton Berle quotes

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If there’s one word that can describe Milton Berle, it would be legendary. This man was a pioneer in the world of comedy, and his influence is still felt today. His story is one full of twists and turns, and his life is a source of inspiration for entrepreneurs everywhere. If you’re looking for some laughs and some Monday morning motivation, then read on! You won’t regret it.

We are glad to present you the most interesting Wife, Gave, Feelings, Gift, Life quotes from Milton Berle, and much more.


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About Milton Berle

birth of the author

July 12, 1908

death of the author

March 27, 2002

education of the author

Professional Children’s School

occupation of the author

Actor, Comedian

date of the author

Years Active:


My wife wants something foreign for Christmas–like a Mexican divorce. — Milton Berle

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton Berle

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. — Milton Berle

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is. — Milton Berle

my wife wants something foreign for christmas like a mexican divorce Milton Berle quote

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea. — Milton Berle

Valentine’s Day–a nice holiday because it’s the first day of the rest of your wife. — Milton Berle

One of those Christmas songs says, ‘You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.’ How’s my wife going to get along? — Milton Berle

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. — Milton Berle

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, ‘Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year. — Milton Berle

a good wife always forgives her husband when she s wrong Milton Berle quote

My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here? — Milton Berle

All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card–American Express. — Milton Berle

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. — Milton Berle

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair. — Milton Berle

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, ‘Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.’ That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself. — Milton Berle

marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases Milton Berle quote

I don’t date women my age. There aren’t any. — Milton Berle


My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne–Eau de Owe. — Milton Berle

Sir, I didn’t deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one? — Milton Berle

She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart–shaped rash. — Milton Berle

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I’d told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor. — Milton Berle

my son gave me a nice bottle of cologne eau de owe Milton Berle quote

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies. — Milton Berle


It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales. — Milton Berle

I just bought a great gift for my boss–a leaky ant farm. — Milton Berle

In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December. — Milton Berle

Redundant Thematics

In Milton Berle Statements


Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list — Milton Berle

it s always consoling to know that today s christmas gifts are tomorrow s garage sales Milton Berle quote

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t. — Milton Berle

I bought an ideal gift for my mother–in–law–a battery–operated mouth. — Milton Berle

I gave my wife a twenty–five–dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat. — Milton Berle

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size. — Milton Berle

I was in a department store and I saw a weird–looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, ‘It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift. — Milton Berle

i just bought a great gift for my boss a leaky ant farm Milton Berle quote


At eighty–two, I feel like a twenty–year–old, but, unfortunately, there’s never one around. — Milton Berle

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting. — Milton Berle

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. — Milton Berle

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand–and they feel glorious. — Milton Berle

You can’t believe everything you hear, but it’s fun to repeat it anyway. — Milton Berle

at eighty two i feel like a twenty year old but unfortunately there s never one around Milton Berle quote

Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name. — Milton Berle


I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they’re lost. — Milton Berle

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong. — Milton Berle

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine. — Milton Berle

It’s rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping. — Milton Berle

i never stole a joke in my life i just find them before they re lost Milton Berle quote

MILTON BERLE Quotes Take Away

Milton Berle once said, “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” And that’s what these entrepreneurs did. They recognized an opportunity and seized it. If you’re feeling stuck or like you don’t have the opportunities you need to succeed, take some inspiration from these quotes and start creating your own opportunities. Check out our courses for more information on how to get started in your own business.

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