My wife wants something foreign for Christmas–like a Mexican divorce. — Milton Berle

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton Berle

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. — Milton Berle

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is. — Milton Berle

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea. — Milton Berle

Valentine’s Day–a nice holiday because it’s the first day of the rest of your wife. — Milton Berle

One of those Christmas songs says, ‘You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.’ How’s my wife going to get along? — Milton Berle

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. — Milton Berle

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, ‘Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year. — Milton Berle

My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here? — Milton Berle

All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card–American Express. — Milton Berle

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine. — Milton Berle

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair. — Milton Berle

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, ‘Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.’ That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself. — Milton Berle

I don’t date women my age. There aren’t any. — Milton Berle

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne–Eau de Owe. — Milton Berle

Sir, I didn’t deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one? — Milton Berle

She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart–shaped rash. — Milton Berle

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I’d told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor. — Milton Berle

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies. — Milton Berle

It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales. — Milton Berle

I just bought a great gift for my boss–a leaky ant farm. — Milton Berle

In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December. — Milton Berle

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list — Milton Berle

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t. — Milton Berle

I bought an ideal gift for my mother–in–law–a battery–operated mouth. — Milton Berle

I gave my wife a twenty–five–dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat. — Milton Berle

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size. — Milton Berle

I was in a department store and I saw a weird–looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, ‘It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift. — Milton Berle

At eighty–two, I feel like a twenty–year–old, but, unfortunately, there’s never one around. — Milton Berle

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting. — Milton Berle

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. — Milton Berle

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand–and they feel glorious. — Milton Berle

You can’t believe everything you hear, but it’s fun to repeat it anyway. — Milton Berle

Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name. — Milton Berle

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they’re lost. — Milton Berle

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong. — Milton Berle

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine. — Milton Berle

It’s rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping. — Milton Berle