The reason they call if ‘golf’ is that all the other 4 letter words were used up. — Leslie Nielsen

Shirley! Don’t call me Shirley! — Leslie Nielsen

I used to have this dream that somebody was knocking at my door. I’d say ‘Who is it?’ and they’d answer ‘Police.’ I’d open the door and they would say to me, ‘Pack your bags. We realized you have no talent. — Leslie Nielsen

The actual distance a bad golfer is going to hit the ball with any club obviously depends on many factors, not the least of which is whether the ball was actually hit at all. — Leslie Nielsen

Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished. — Leslie Nielsen

I’ve produced, but as for directing, that’s a dream that’ll have to go unfulfilled. — Leslie Nielsen

It’s been dawning on me slowly that for the past 35 years I have been cast against type, and I’m finally getting to do what I really wanted to do. — Leslie Nielsen

I like that kind of ‘straight–faced’ comedy. I like to be straight–faced and outrageous. — Leslie Nielsen

There’s an old saying that God exists in your search for him. I just want you to understand that I ain’t looking. — Leslie Nielsen

I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible. — Leslie Nielsen

I really have to keep an eye on myself, because sometimes I think I might say something important. — Leslie Nielsen

Doing nothing is very tough to do because you never know when you’re finished. The upside is that from the moment you wake up in the morning, you’re on the job. — Leslie Nielsen

There were 15 people in the village, including five of us. If my father arrested somebody in the winter, he’d have to wait until the thaw to turn him in. — Leslie Nielsen

As for honours, I’ve had a few along the way, and to be honest, I never expected any of them. I made a good living for decades, and that was enough; that, and maybe a good residual cheque from time to time. — Leslie Nielsen

The violence or the vaudeville style of comedy is a technique all by itself. You get up there, and you are a comedian, and you’re doing one thing. That is, you’re going to make the audience laugh. — Leslie Nielsen

Sometimes integrity is a punch in the face. — Leslie Nielsen

It doesn’t really matter where I go (Heaven or Hell). I’ll have plenty of friends in both places. — Leslie Nielsen

I don’t have a hard and fast rule about dignity. I’m concerned about being treated with respect, but if I make my own choices and kind of let ‘er rip, I will. — Leslie Nielsen

I wore that same shirt yesterday playing golf. There goes the Nike account. — Leslie Nielsen

Are you having problems hearing? If so, those around you already know it. Hearing loss is no laughing matter, so don’t be a punchline. — Leslie Nielsen

I don’t think anybody can really sit down and decide that their mission in life is to make people think. I think their mission in life is to leave people alone! — Leslie Nielsen

Like a midget at a urinal I was going to have to stay on my toes. — Leslie Nielsen

Who are you and how did you get in here’ ‘i’m a locksmith. and, i’m a locksmith.’ — Leslie Nielsen

The reason there’s a question mark on my front door is just in case I forget my address. — Leslie Nielsen

I had always functioned with dignity, wanting to appear intelligent, macho, never vulnerable or insecure. But now I realize that… a part of these comic characters is a fundamental part of me too. — Leslie Nielsen

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through. — Leslie Nielsen

Any sport that comes from Scotland is good! — Leslie Nielsen

Yes, it’s true, I’ve been called the Laurence Olivier of spoofs. I guess that would make Laurence Olivier the Leslie Nielsen of Shakespeare. — Leslie Nielsen