Women love a self–confident bald man. — Larry David

Even back then, I exuded self–confidence, and that drives women crazy. — Larry David

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn’t involve a woman. — Larry David

I couldn’t walk up to a woman at a bar and say hello. — Larry David

Did Bill Clinton actually think that he could get blow jobs from a Jewish woman and there would be no consequences? — Larry David

If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn’t know who I was, she would run away. — Larry David

Making a woman laugh. What is that about? And the prettier the woman, the more satisfaction I get. It doesn’t make any sense, but I’m being honest. — Larry David

I tell people that I’ve now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently. — Larry David

It’s always good to take something that’s happened in your life and make something of it comedically. — Larry David

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life. — Larry David

My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver. — Larry David

I’ve led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. — Larry David

All of a sudden I discovered that I’m allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it. — Larry David

Religion doesn’t play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don’t think I’ve ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word ‘Jew’ or saying it myself. — Larry David

There’s a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation. — Larry David

You can’t do anything in life. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread. Every social situation is a potential nightmare. — Larry David

Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair… Change my name, just see what happens. — Larry David

Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China? — Larry David

I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. — Larry David

I just feed off the energy of the audience. — Larry David

I think we’re all good and bad, but good’s not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny. — Larry David

There’s also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny. — Larry David

You have to discover when you’re inadequate to be funny and you don’t know you’re inadequate when you’re a kid. — Larry David

If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny. — Larry David

I gave a funny speech at my wife’s birthday party, and I’m thinking, ‘Hey, I’ve still got it.’ — Larry David

I just wanted laughs–that’s really what I was after. — Larry David

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man–there’s your diamond in the rough. — Larry David

I don’t think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It’s not even interesting to me. — Larry David

Most of the time I’m thinking, I’m glad that scene was improvised. — Larry David

My life has changed. I’m not walking around any more wishing I wasn’t me, which was the case at one time. — Larry David

Well, as you know, I’m really only happy when I’m on stage. — Larry David

I’m surprized Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people. — Larry David

You know, I’m really not that bright. — Larry David

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors–the thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time. I’d rather give them things than time. — Larry David

It has to do–I think–with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time. — Larry David

The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it’s the best of both worlds. There’s a lot to be said for it. — Larry David

Luck always plays a part for everyone, whether they want to admit it or not. I was very lucky, and I know it. — Larry David

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas. — Larry David

Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis. — Larry David

I don’t like to make a big splash anyway. — Larry David

Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m Jewish. — Larry David

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days. — Larry David

I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood. — Larry David

When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom. — Larry David

You write about what you know. — Larry David

It’s not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn’t happen that often. — Larry David

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don’t want to in order to figure out what it is you’re supposed to do. — Larry David

Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here because I’m–basically inside, I’m a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over. — Larry David

Can I apologize for the apology? — Larry David

I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out. — Larry David

Anything that’s for free, people will take. They don’t discriminate. — Larry David

I’m a jerk, that’s who I am. I’m like everybody else. — Larry David

I don’t really know much about TV and what people want to see. I’m not that well–informed about it. — Larry David

Golf and dating don’t mix. — Larry David