Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday. — Johnny Carson

Happiness is…..finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry. — Johnny Carson

Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat. — Johnny Carson

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples. — Johnny Carson

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak. — Johnny Carson

Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor’s vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony. — Johnny Carson

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard. — Johnny Carson

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he’s been accepted to an expensive college. — Johnny Carson

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented. — Johnny Carson

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. — Johnny Carson

I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else. — Johnny Carson

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. — Johnny Carson

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat! — Johnny Carson

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. — Johnny Carson

Money gives me just one big thing that’s really important, and that’s the freedom of not having to worry about money. — Johnny Carson

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money. — Johnny Carson

Democracy is buying a big house you can’t afford with money you don’t have to impress people you wish were dead. — Johnny Carson

I work because I enjoy what I’m doing, and the fact that I make money at it–big money–is a fine–and–dandy side fact. — Johnny Carson

Believe me, you don’t walk away from the kind of money you make with a daily television show. You might get awful tired of it sometimes, but take a second look at the check and you get less tired right away. — Johnny Carson

I have an ego like anybody else, but I don’t need to be stoked by going before the public all the time. — Johnny Carson

I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it. — Johnny Carson

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he’ll sing it to me. — Johnny Carson

From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around. — Johnny Carson

Talent alone won’t make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: ‘Are your ready?’ — Johnny Carson

There comes a time or a moment when you know in which direction you’re going to go. I know it happened to me when I was quite young. — Johnny Carson

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved. — Johnny Carson

Audiences have proved time and again that they don’t want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views–especially if he’s a comedian. — Johnny Carson

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. — Johnny Carson

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. — Johnny Carson

I have no use for eight houses, 88 cars and 500 suits. I can’t eat but one steak at a time. I don’t want but one woman. It’s silly to have as one’s sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth. — Johnny Carson

I am one of the lucky people in the world: I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it. — Johnny Carson

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. — Johnny Carson

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president. — Johnny Carson

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he’ll be two weeks older. — Johnny Carson

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist? — Johnny Carson

I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over. — Johnny Carson

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn’t seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods. — Johnny Carson