I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. — Jon Stewart

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning. — Jon Stewart

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry. — Jon Stewart

It is already like a sky of sound and that sky of sound can only get louder and worse if there is a third runway, you just feel that these planes are always there. — John Stewart

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a ‘Peanuts’ character. — Jon Stewart

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime. — Jon Stewart

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable. — Jon Stewart

There are many big beasts in the cabinet who are utterly opposed to heathrow and the government may ask itself is heathrow politically deliverable even if davies recommends it. — John Stewart

Classroom Activities 1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas. Ta–da! You’re Antonin Scalia! — Jon Stewart

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams. — Jon Stewart

Campaigns and elections are the process in which democracy separates the willing from the able, and goes with the willing. — Jon Stewart

Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?––7/14/09 interview with Peter Mancall, author of Fatal Journey — Jon Stewart

Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch. — Jon Stewart

I am a Quantum Engineer, but on Sundays I Have Principles. — John Stewart Bell

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what’s wrong with what we’ve done in Iraq. We’ve been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre–9–11. — Jon Stewart

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old–fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. — Jon Stewart

Long may Louis de Broglie continue to inspire those who suspect that what is proved by impossibility proofs is lack of imagination. — John Stewart Bell

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. — Jon Stewart

Stump speeches] are to oratory what a stump is to a tree. — Jon Stewart

To the people who are upset about their hard–earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me! — Jon Stewart

Get there early because hope does not park your mother–fucking car. — Jon Stewart

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k. — Jon Stewart

If ‘con’ is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fucking blow your mind?!? — Jon Stewart

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak. — Jon Stewart

The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith. — Jon Stewart

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it’s not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection. — Jon Stewart

In order to see, I have to be willing to be seen. — John Stewart

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom. — Jon Stewart

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. — Jon Stewart

Cause if there’s one thing Islamic terrorists don’t have is….(seriously thinking about it)….%#@&! — Jon Stewart

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness. — Jon Stewart

It is perhaps a sign of the strength of our republic that so few people feel the need to participate. That must be the reason. — Jon Stewart

Grief has a ruthless commonality. — John Stewart Wynne

Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot. — Jon Stewart

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn’t an asshole, do? — Jon Stewart

Theoretical physicists live in a classical world, looking out into a quantum–mechanical world. The latter we describe only subjectively, in terms of procedures and results in our classical domain. — John Stewart Bell

Evil is relatively rare; ignorance is epidemic. — Jon Stewart

But why think about what was wrong when you could be thinking about what was right? — John Stewart Wynne

No theory of reality compatible with quantum theory can require spatially separate events to be independent. — John Stewart Bell

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you’ve gotta admit: a lot of people hate him. — Jon Stewart

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways? — Jon Stewart

What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have ‘traffic lights.’ We’re sorry. The government’s not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone. — Jon Stewart