Self–pity shortens your life. — Joan Rivers

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That’s all anyone wants: to have their parents see they’re going to be all right in life. — Joan Rivers

My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f–king doctor. — Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. — Joan Rivers

Life is very tough. If you don’t laugh, it’s tough. — Joan Rivers

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do. — Joan Rivers

Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we’re going down the tube. — Joan Rivers

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive. — Joan Rivers

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none. — Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. — Joan Rivers

Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true. — Joan Rivers

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. — Joan Rivers

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone. — Joan Rivers

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, ‘If only 2 percent of the world thinks you’re funny, you’ll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.’ — Joan Rivers

Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending. — Joan Rivers

My sex life is so bad, my G–spot has been declared a historical landmark. — Joan Rivers

My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken. — Joan Rivers

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life. — Joan Rivers

If you don’t think that all lIfe is improvisation, then you haven’t been paying attention. LIfe is what happens to you while you’re making other plans. — Joan Rivers

Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything. — Joan Rivers

Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in High Heels! — Joan Rivers

Having a baby can be a scream. — Joan Rivers

My cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception. — Joan Rivers

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would’ve been nice if he was there for the conception. — Joan Rivers

All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window. — Joan Rivers

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn’t. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco. — Joan Rivers

That baby is so ugly… I’ve never seen a six–month–old so desperately in need of a wax. — Joan Rivers

I hate weddings. Weddings are nothing more than catering with virgins. Sorry, in the old days it was virgins; now it’s baby mommas. — Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. — Joan Rivers

Anyone that says looks don’t count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It’s the way humans work. — Joan Rivers

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby. — Joan Rivers

I was not an attractive child. — Joan Rivers

We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us. — Joan Rivers

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you. — Joan Rivers

Show business can be an addiction. … An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months. — Joan Rivers

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it. — Joan Rivers

Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren’t laughable. But isn’t it? That’s what separates us from the animals. We laugh. — Joan Rivers

What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror–anything that upsets me. — Joan Rivers

It’s been so long since I made love I can’t even remember who gets tied up. — Joan Rivers

You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money. — Joan Rivers

Having a baby is definitely a labor of love. — Joan Rivers

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer. — Joan Rivers

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks. — Joan Rivers

I love the way my life has fallen into place. — Joan Rivers

Dogs are easier to love than people; they’re certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that’s it. A true friend in life is a dog. — Joan Rivers

I don’t think I’m good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he’d take a piece of chalk and outline my body. — Joan Rivers

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process. — Joan Rivers

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I’m gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers. — Joan Rivers

I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs. — Joan Rivers

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body. — Joan Rivers

I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’ — Joan Rivers

What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery. — Joan Rivers

I’m a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we’re making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off. — Joan Rivers

Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head. — Joan Rivers

Everyone takes fashion so seriously! It’s fashion–enjoy it! — Joan Rivers

I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it’s like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth. — Joan Rivers

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her. — Joan Rivers

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it. — Joan Rivers

Comedy–and I say this with humility–comedy needs me. — Joan Rivers

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone. — Joan Rivers

God always comes up with a third act twist––and we won’t know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy. — Joan Rivers

Comedy is a very rough beat. It’s no holds barred, as it should be. — Joan Rivers

I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material. — Joan Rivers

My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers

I think it’s time they knew the truth about Beethoven. — Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. — Joan Rivers

You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill You. — Joan Rivers

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years–we were on the freeway at the time. — Joan Rivers

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted. — Joan Rivers

Every time I get on an airplane I figure it’s gonna get blown up. You live on the edge. — Joan Rivers

You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary. — Joan Rivers

The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, … But they say ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.’ And as far as fashion is concerned, that’s a good thing. — Joan Rivers

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor. — Joan Rivers

Was there ever in anyone’s life span a point free in time, devoid of memory, a point when choice was any more than sum of all the choices gone before? — Joan Didion

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout. — Joan Rivers

I said to my husband, ‘my boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs.’ He said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’ — Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. — Joan Rivers

Last night I asked my husband, ‘What’s your favorite sexual position?’ and he said, ‘Next door.’ — Joan Rivers

Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake? — Joan Rivers

I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had any kids. — Joan Rivers

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’. — Joan Rivers

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I’ll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband. — Joan Rivers

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus–that way, I’d visit him every day. — Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. — Joan Rivers

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean. — Joan Rivers

Want to know why women don’t blink during foreplay? Not enough time. — Joan Rivers

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off. — Joan Rivers

Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. — Joan Rivers

I can’t like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There’s just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays — Joan Rivers

I think Hillary Clinton’s style is perfect. Perfect. You don’t notice what she’s wearing, you notice the woman. — Joan Rivers

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud. — Joan Rivers

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy. — Joan Rivers

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives. — Joan Rivers

It’s obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it–diamonds are a girl’s best friend; man’s best friend is a dog. — Joan Rivers

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker? — Joan Rivers

Maybe I’m old–fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up–and gay men should stand up at least halfway. — Joan Rivers

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood. — Joan Rivers

My mother told me ‘man on top, woman underneath.’ For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds. — Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp. — Joan Rivers

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. — Joan Rivers

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card. — Joan Rivers