No matter how often I tell people I’m thirty–nine some of them refuse to believe I’m that old. — Jack Benny

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now. — Jack Benny

Modesty is my best quality. — Jack Benny

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation. — Jack Benny

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early. — Jack Benny

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray. — Jack Benny

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room. — Jack Benny

I believe in being honest with myself. If there’s one thing I hate it’s when a comedian is great and won’t admit it. I’ve never met one like that, but if I did, I’d hate them. — Jack Benny

Hors D’oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. — Jack Benny

There’s only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc. — Jack Benny

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. — Jack Benny

Try to save something while your salary is small; it’s impossible to save after you begin to earn more. — Jack Benny

I don’t deserve thIs award, but I have arthrItIs and I don’t deserve that eIther. — Jack Benny

I don’t want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too. — Jack Benny

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs. — Jack Benny

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian. — Jack Benny

I’m happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I’m finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors. — Jack Benny

Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere — Jack Benny

A rich man is one who isn’t afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper. — Jack Benny

I’m living in a very modest place. I have a room over–looking beautiful Claridge’s Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge’s prices and overlooking the dump I’m living in. — Jack Benny

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following A big schmuck dressed like A kid. — Jack Benny

When another comedian has a lousy show, I’m the first one to admit it. — Jack Benny

The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I’ll really have a pain the stomach! — Jack Benny

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. — Jack Benny

Everything good that happened to me happened by accident. — Jack Benny

How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice. — Jack Benny

Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he’s the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I’ve ever met. And I’ll say that to his face–even if it costs me my job. — Jack Benny

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty–seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. — Jack Benny