The Best Groucho Marx quotes

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. — Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time–unless the boss leaves early. — Groucho Marx

I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old. — Groucho Marx

Time wounds all heels. — Groucho Marx

I shall drink no # wine before it’s time! OK, it’s time. — Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex–I kept the receipt. — Groucho Marx

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches. We’ll have to buy them ready made. — Groucho Marx

Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise. — Groucho Marx

Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read. — Groucho Marx

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff. — Groucho Marx

That’s nothing–my alarm clock is set for eight. — Groucho Marx

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. — Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. — Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. — Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. — Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. — Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene, not heard. — Groucho Marx

I am a man and you are a woman. I can’t think of a better arrangement. — Groucho Marx

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men––the other 999 follow women. — Groucho Marx

A man is only as old as the woman he feels. — Groucho Marx

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. — Groucho Marx

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead. — Groucho Marx

A man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.–Groucho Marx A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. — Groucho Marx

You’re only as young as the woman you feel. — Groucho Marx

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother’s day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather! — Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers. — Groucho Marx

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck’s terrible.) — Groucho Marx

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon. — Groucho Marx

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That’s the price she has to pay. — Groucho Marx

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar. — Groucho Marx

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls. — Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. — Groucho Marx

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: ‘The food here is lousy,’ the first noted. ‘You’re right! And such small portions!!’ the second added — Groucho Marx

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar. — Groucho Marx

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don’t let the men know. — Groucho Marx

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn’t sell much–just an occasional sun visor. — Groucho Marx

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind. — Groucho Marx

She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me. — Groucho Marx

Only if the computers really love each other. — Groucho Marx

I love to read. My education is self–inflicted — Groucho Marx

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while. — Groucho Marx

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo. — Groucho Marx

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put ‘Emily, I love you’ on the back of the bill. — Groucho Marx

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook–book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right. — Groucho Marx

Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks. — Groucho Marx

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet! — Groucho Marx

As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. — Groucho Marx

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. — Groucho Marx

Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough. — Groucho Marx

Why don’t you go home to your wife? Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference. — Groucho Marx

The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It’s been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally, I haven’t got a camel, but I think it’s a great idea. — Groucho Marx

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. — Groucho Marx

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written. — Groucho Marx

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name–calling. I don’t mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies. — Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. — Groucho Marx

I don’t want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members. — Groucho Marx

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member. — Groucho Marx

Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members. — Groucho Marx

I’m not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me. — Groucho Marx

I aughta joIn a club and beat you over the head wIth It. — Groucho Marx

I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it. — Groucho Marx

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. — Groucho Marx

I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. — Groucho Marx

Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, and I’m going to be happy in it. — Groucho Marx

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. — Groucho Marx

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. — Groucho Marx

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going. — Groucho Marx

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it. — Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. — Groucho Marx