The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. — George Carlin

Life is not that complicated. — George Carlin

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile. — George Carlin

I couldn’t commit suicide if my life depended on it. — George Carlin

Life is a near–death experience. — George Carlin

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch. — George Carlin

Life is tough, then you die. — George Carlin

People think life is real complicated. Actually, there’s nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. — George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands. — George Carlin

Life…..is a series of dogs. — George Carlin

I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again. — George Carlin

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains. — George Carlin

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life. — George Carlin

Life is a zero sum game. — George Carlin

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. — George Carlin

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, ‘Get this asshole outta here! — George Carlin

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers. — George Carlin

That’s the whole meaning of life, isn’t it? Trying to find a place for your stuff. — George Carlin

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years. — George Carlin

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. — George Carlin

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything’s dying. — George Carlin

Keep thy religion to thyself. — George Carlin

Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves. — George Carlin

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. — George Carlin

Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky. — George Carlin

I don’t have any beliefs or allegiances. I don’t believe in this country, I don’t believe in religion, or a god, and I don’t believe in all these man–made institutional ideas. — George Carlin

Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected. — George Carlin

None of the Christian religions do [interest me]. They’re all outer–directed. — George Carlin

Religion is just mind control. — George Carlin

Religion is a self–conferred intellectual decision; it’s not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You’re collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice. — George Carlin

Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes. — George Carlin

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians! — George Carlin

Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent. — George Carlin

Why should it be illegal to sell something that’s perfectly legal to give away? — George Carlin

Language always gives you away. — George Carlin

I don’t understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn’t it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that’s legal to give away? — George Carlin

Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. — George Carlin

Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don’t. — George Carlin

Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money. — George Carlin

People who ask ‘Can I ask you a question?’ Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? — George Carlin

Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help. — George Carlin

One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I’d like to use my future ownership of property to give something back. — George Carlin

It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot. — George Carlin

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away… and you don’t know what time it is? — George Carlin

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate. — George Carlin

One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was. — George Carlin

The New Testament is not new anymore’ it’s thousands of years old. It’s time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. — George Carlin

I’ve been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing. — George Carlin

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning. — George Carlin

Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time. — George Carlin

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying. — George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. — George Carlin

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it’s a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, ‘Well, okay, that’s enough of that. — George Carlin

There’s this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn’t want you to do, and you’ll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you. — George Carlin

You can’t be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you’re not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out. — George Carlin

Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it’s not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it’s still there? — George Carlin

Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, ‘The creature is regenerating itself.’ — George Carlin

When it comes to bullshit…bigtime, major league bullshit…you have to stand in awe of the all–time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims…religion. — George Carlin

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. — George Carlin

The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I’m a happy guy! — George Carlin

In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark. — George Carlin

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in’ worn out. — George Carlin

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time. — George Carlin

We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost. — George Carlin

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack. — George Carlin

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American–you know, you grow. — George Carlin

It’s the American view that everything has to keep climbing: productivity, profits, even comedy. — George Carlin

When you look at the average American you realize there’s nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke. — George Carlin

We [americans] are not a freedom–loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we’re a hardhearted people. — George Carlin

You know what I like about the American form of government? They’ve worked things out so that you’re never far from a 7–Eleven. — George Carlin

I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore. — George Carlin

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. — George Carlin

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public. — George Carlin

All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English. — George Carlin

I don’t get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol–minded. — George Carlin

When I first heard the song Don’t worry–be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first. — George Carlin

Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods. — George Carlin

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse. — George Carlin

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. — George Carlin

I believe you can joke about anything. — George Carlin

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best. — George Carlin

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I’m not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary. — George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it. — George Carlin

I’ve set my own rules to live by. The first one is: ‘Never believe ANYthing the government says.’ — George Carlin

My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me. — George Carlin

Hard work is for people short on talent. — George Carlin

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? — George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. — George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that. — George Carlin

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he’d grab a little something on the way to work. — George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. — George Carlin

Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn’t work. — George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work. — George Carlin

I don’t understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I’d be glad to share with him. — George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. — George Carlin

Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. — George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. — George Carlin

I think of myself as an entertainer: I’m a performing entertainer, I’m a stand–up comic. But there’s an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter. — George Carlin

As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money. — George Carlin

I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from. — George Carlin

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? — George Carlin

I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free. — George Carlin

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church. — George Carlin

In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose. — George Carlin

I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into. — George Carlin

I have this real moron thing I do? It’s called thinking. — George Carlin

Instead of thinking about the sex, I’d always think about the clap and the crabs those people have. — George Carlin

I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew. — George Carlin

I was trying to get out of the night clubs and was thinking maybe I’ll go to the colleges now; that’s where you can speak your mind. — George Carlin

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind. — George Carlin

Everything that you know about yourself comes from thinking back, and I think I saw religion as the first big betrayal of me. — George Carlin

I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. — George Carlin

I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn’t, to my way of thinking, mean that you’re an advanced civilization. — George Carlin