Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. — Dennis Miller

Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled! — Dennis Miller

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. — Dennis Miller

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life–affirming than cold, hard cash? — Dennis Miller

Writing is easy. Writing is hard. It’s a breeze and a struggle, just like life. — Dennis R. Miller

The soldiers kill suicide bombers. Think about that. When a guys whole thing in life is to kill himself and you get there first… you are halling ass my friends. — Dennis Miller

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry’s support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry’s appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. — Dennis Miller

It’s your living room, it’s your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it’s the Zapruder film. — Dennis Miller

Laughter is one of the great beacons in life because we don’t refract it by gunning it through our intellectual prism. What makes us laugh is a mystery–an involuntary response. — Dennis Miller

I didn’t know my Dad–he moved out early. And my mom’s politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn’t think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I’ve been both in my life. — Dennis Miller

I don’t need to be born again. I got it right the first time. — Dennis Miller

Born again?! No, I’m not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. — Dennis Miller

If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago. — Dennis Miller

Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time. — Dennis Miller

Why should I hate someone on the basis of their religion, when I can take a little time to get to know them and hate them for a myriad of real reasons. — Dennis Miller

Hey, Cunningham–Andy Warhol called. You’re at 14:55 and we’re tickin’ big–time here, Chachi. — Dennis Miller

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That’s the second hand, George. — Dennis Miller

The quarterback’s spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop. — Dennis Miller

Any time your parent says they party with you, that is its own form of child abuse. — Dennis Miller

It’s ironic that in our culture everyone’s biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. — Dennis Miller

The next time you get the urge to shut somebody up because they don’t see the world exactly the same way you do, take a deep breath, get out your Bill of Rights, and count to the ten amendments. — Dennis Miller

Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day. — Dennis Miller

Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts. — Dennis Miller

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer. — Dennis Miller

I like the show [Factor] because it’s horny, but it’s not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays? — Dennis Miller

How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides? — Dennis Miller

America may be the best country in the world, but that’s kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. — Dennis Miller

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse. — Dennis Miller

What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis? — Dennis Miller

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into the nursing home. — Dennis Miller

South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world’s longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar–Tide! — Dennis Miller

What fascinates me about writing is wrestling thought into reality and creating a new world that is forever. — Dennis R. Miller

The world is so ass–backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic. — Dennis Miller

The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God. — Dennis Miller

I’m like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. — Dennis Miller

Is global warming new? I don’t know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot. — Dennis Miller

Just put down 9/11… I think, on most things I’m liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I’m kind of conservative on. — Dennis Miller

Wouldn’t it be great if all of Osama bin Laden’s money was tied up in Enron stock? — Dennis Miller

I’m glad I don’t have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you’d be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market. — Dennis Miller

I like money. It’s fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It’s just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain’s hat and a coin changer. — Dennis Miller