If people want to think I get drunk and stay out all night, let’em. That’s how I got here, you know. — Dean Martin

I was so drunk last night I fell down and missed the floor. — Dean Martin

The whole world is drunk and we’re just the cocktail of the moment. Someday soon, the world will wake up, down two aspirin with a glass of tomato juice, and wonder what the hell all the fuss was about. — Dean Martin

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. — Dean Martin

Return to me, for my heart wants you only. Hurry home, hurry home, won’t you please hurry home to my heart. — Dean Martin

A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. — Rodney Dangerfield

If this is just the beginning, my life’s gonna be beautiful. — Dean Martin

The reason I drink is because when I’m sober I think I’m Eddie Fisher. — Dean Martin

I don’t drink anymore… I freeze it and eat it like a popsicle. — Dean Martin

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. — Rodney Dangerfield

It was a woman who drove me to drink. Come to think of it, I never did hang around to thank her for that. ‘Hey lady! Do I look all blurry to you? ‘Cause you look blurry to me!’ — Dean Martin

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. — Dean Martin

Your lips and mine, two sips of wine, memories are made of this. — Dean Martin

When the world seems to shine like you’ve had too much wine, that’s amore. — Dean Martin

I know it’s the gentlemanly thing to let the wife file. But, then, everybody knows I’m no gentleman. — Dean Martin

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other! — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. — Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. — Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me. — Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. — Rodney Dangerfield

With his blessings from above, serve it generously with love. One man, one wife, one love, through life. — Dean Martin

Johnny Carson is a comedian who is seen every night in millions of bedrooms all over America…and that’s why his last wife left him. — Dean Martin

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. — Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. — Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’ — Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers. — Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit–of–the–loom guys laughing at me. — Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. — Rodney Dangerfield

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. — Rodney Dangerfield

Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show business. Hard work, perseverance, and discipline: all the things you need…when you have no talent. — Dean Martin

Life is just a bowl of pits. — Rodney Dangerfield

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. — Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. — Rodney Dangerfield

Everybody makes mistakes; look at Hitler. — Dean Martin

Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence. — Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it. — Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born. — Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. — Rodney Dangerfield