There are three stages to a man’s life. 1. He laughs at Clark Griswold. 2. He sympathizes deeply with Clark Griswold. 3. He laughs at Clark Griswold. — James Lileks

And I don’t want posture lessons from a country that spent the last 20 years flopping on its back and grabbing its ankles when Saddam showed up waving stacks of Francs in exchange for bang–sticks. — James Lileks

A Children’s Museum, however, is more of a Funatorium. You are encouraged to touch things, which is poor training for subsequent museum visitation. — James Lileks

Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? — Clark Griswold

I’ve always wondered if there was a Hezbollah version of minesweeper where you get points for blowing up on your first move. — James Lileks

This isn’t charity; it’s family. — Clark Griswold

From Day One the very existence of [Camp Bravo] has been a popcorn hull in the tender gums of the hard left. — James Lileks

Eat my rubber! — Clark Griswold

Hey kids, look! A deer! — Clark Griswold

It takes a particularly rarified variety of idiot to look at a Jew–hating fascist with a small mustache–and decide that his opponent is the Nazi. — James Lileks

If Mother had to be told not to shove the entire brick of Ivory up Junior’s hindquarters, constipation is the least of his problems. — James Lileks

We always ask where the time went. We never ask where it’s coming from. — James Lileks

Genius flames and dies, but amiable competence can live forever. — James Lileks

I want to believe in intelligent design, and hence I am suspicious of anything that seems to confirm my desire to believe. — James Lileks

When your opponent sets up a straw man, set it on fire and kick the cinders around the stage. Don’t worry about losing the Strawperson–American community vote. — James Lileks

The popular Arab imagination is a pliant and inventive thing; it can explain any defeat. It is a compass that always points toward the Jew. — James Lileks

Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We’re at the threshold of hell!! — Clark Griswold

I’ll start drinking tea over coffee when the big hand is on Never and the little hand is on Ain’t Gonna Happen. — James Lileks

Yes, it’s a bit nipply out, I mean nippy out. — Clark Griswold

Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an a**hole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer. — Clark Griswold

I don’t believe in the very concept of ‘first thing in the morning.’ I’m a ‘third thing in the afternoon’ fellow. — James Lileks

The newspaper is a lecture. The Web is a conversation. — James Lileks

We’re gonna have the hap–hap–happiest Christmas. — Clark Griswold

All you need to know about Arafat was that he insisted on wearing a pistol when he addressed the UN General Assembly. And all you need to know about the UN, I suppose, is that they let him. — James Lileks

Looks great. Little full, lotta sap. — Clark Griswold

Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where’s the Tylenol? — Clark Griswold

Surprised, Eddie?… If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised. — Clark Griswold

Yay Condi Rice. I want her to go to Saudi Arabia, and I want her first words upon getting off the plane to be ‘I’ll drive.’ — James Lileks