Funny is only something that others know about you–you can’t be funny by yourself. — Chris Rock

Everything’s funny–in the right context and done by the right person. — Chris Rock

I think all the funny people were bullied. When they talk about outlawing bullying, it’s like, what? You want no Comedy Central? — Chris Rock

If a homeless person has a funny sign, he hasn’t been homeless for that long. A real homeless person is too hungry to be funny. — Chris Rock

Karaoke isn’t fair when you’re a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I’m a professional funny guy. — Chris Rock

The thing I try to get across to the writers–and I do a lot of writing, too–is that when I do stand–up, nothing I talk about is funny. Everything is really sad and tragic and then I make it funny. — Chris Rock

I want to really take chances. I want to be funny in a lot of different ways. I’d like to be great. I want to reach for greatness. — Chris Rock

I like talking about subjects that aren’t funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I’ll talk about. — Chris Rock

People are the same wherever you go. And if they weren’t, they wouldn’t laugh at the same s**t. — Chris Rock

You only know that you’re smart because you’re around dumb people from time to time! — Chris Rock

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time. — Chris Rock

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer. — Chris Rock

When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative. — Chris Rock

If you live below your means, you can turn down stuff all the time. — Chris Rock

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time. — Chris Rock

When you’re doing a big–budget movie and you’re four on the call sheet, you’ve got a lot of free time. — Chris Rock

There’s not one reference in that thing that doesn’t play. People deal with emotions in music all the time, but comedians are always talking about what they see. But we seldom talk about what we feel. — Chris Rock

If your work is so smart that only smart people get it, it’s not that smart. — Chris Rock

Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work. — Chris Rock

The only plan I have is to not do anything I don’t want to do–and to never work just for money. — Chris Rock

You got a gun, you don’t have to work out. — Chris Rock

Yeah, it’s unfair that you can get judged by something you didn’t do, but it’s also unfair that you can inherit money that you didn’t work for. — Chris Rock

You know, you get famous and you work in these weird jobs and you don’t have a lot in common with people. But once you have kids, you have everything in common with everybody. — Chris Rock

I think my best work is when I’m kind of in charge. — Chris Rock

My dad worked every day. I didn’t get into show business to work every day. So the fact that most days I get to like, spend really good time with my kids–that’s what success is to me. — Chris Rock

I can see the humor in just about any situation. After I lost my dad, I realized that none of us should take things too seriously, because everything except death works itself out. — Chris Rock

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you’re trying material. — Chris Rock

I don’t believe I can offend you in a comedy club. I don’t believe I can offend you in a concert. A comedy club is a place where you work out material; you’re trying material. — Chris Rock

For the most part, comedy is the only fair part of show business. — Chris Rock

I’ll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no–camera policy, the same way they did with smoking. — Chris Rock

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing. — Chris Rock

Stand–up comedy is like the lowest medium in all of show business in levels of respect. — Chris Rock

I want my name to be a brand in comedy. I hope my name stands for comedic excellence. — Chris Rock

I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both. — Chris Rock

Guys play characters that won’t grow up and something catastrophic happens and they have to grow up to save the day–that’s pretty much what today’s comedy is about. — Chris Rock

Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy. — Chris Rock

A comedian has to live in his head. All this comedy comes from a lonely place. When you’re surrounded by an entourage, you’re not living in your head. — Chris Rock

It’s weird with stand–up comedy. It doesn’t really translate worldwide. I want to figure out how do I make it worldwide. Do a special in Africa. Can’t beat that. Pull that off, then I will have done something. — Chris Rock

Most parts in comedy, they’re not really written for men. They’re written for, like, these boy–men. — Chris Rock

When I started out in comedy, it was common knowledge that it took about 10 years to get good. And that was okay because it took you about 9 years to get on television. — Chris Rock

I had always been–everybody kind of likes comedy. I was very interested in comedy, beyond just liking it. I had friends that took apart radios; I wanted to take apart jokes. — Chris Rock

My movies are okay, but they’re not my specials. — Chris Rock

I’m a nerd. I’m a little guy… the last guy you’d expect in a romantic movie. — Chris Rock

I’d like to be in a Spike Jonze movie. But I live in a Nancy Meyers movie. — Chris Rock

Dude, I didn’t say Jude Law can’t act. I didn’t say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he’s in every movie. — Chris Rock

I love having somebody there–that companion thing. You know who you’re going to eat with, who you’re going to see a movie with. — Chris Rock

There’s always a moment in any stand–up show I do where people are booing. They kinda boo a premise. And then I bail myself out with a joke. But it’s like trying to do movies where there’s a dramatic undertone. — Chris Rock

Black movies don’t have real names, they have names like Barbershop. That’s not a name, that’s just a location. — Chris Rock

You can’t fake comedy–it’s not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face. — Chris Rock

I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting… You start thinking about every nasty, skank–ass… It’s like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes. — Chris Rock

When you’re making a real documentary, you shoot it and the movie happens. You don’t make–this sounds corny–you don’t make a documentary, a documentary makes you. It really does. — Chris Rock

Black comics, they only watch Black comedians. You’re a comedian; you’re not just a Black comedian. You’re a comedian. I try to get that through to everybody. — Chris Rock

A black man will be elected President of the United States. I’m sorry, that’s in the year 10,000. — Chris Rock

If you’re a black Christian, you have a real short memory. — Chris Rock

Is America ready for a black president? Well, I say we just had a retarded one. When did being black become a bigger deterrent than being retarded? — Chris Rock

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four. — Chris Rock

Black women have the hardest gig in show business. — Chris Rock

People are always going to, you know, find something wrong with people who are not the exact same as them. That’s just what it is. Black, white, short, tall, religions, whatever. People are bad. — Chris Rock

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white. — Chris Rock

When you’re white, the sky’s the limit. When you’re black, the limit’s the sky. — Chris Rock

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he’s the first black person that is qualified to be president. That’s not black progress. That’s white progress. — Chris Rock

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school. — Chris Rock

If you’re black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you. — Chris Rock

If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit! — Chris Rock

See, the Black man gotta fly to get to something the white man can walk to. — Chris Rock

School shootings were invented by blacks… and stolen by the white man. — Chris Rock

I love seeing black people do normal things, being judged as normal people. — Chris Rock

We got no wealthy black people. We got rich people. Shaq is rich. The guy who signs his checks is wealthy. — Chris Rock

Give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra anything but another white man! That last one f***ed up my roof! — Chris Rock

I’m a big fan of Katt Williams, Jim Gaffigan, Louie CK, Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, Rich Vas, Joey Vega and Matt Claybrooks. — Chris Rock

If poor people knew how rich rich people are, there would be riots in the streets. — Chris Rock

Babies don’t know who’s rich and who’s poor. You love ’em and they’re happy. — Chris Rock

Oprah is so rich, I saw John Kerry proposing to her. — Chris Rock

Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah’s money, he’d jump out a fuckin’ window and slit his throat on the way down saying, ‘I can’t even put gas in my plane! — Chris Rock

You know you’re rich when you have to drive for a half hour to get to your house once you’re on your property. — Chris Rock

I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity. — Chris Rock

When you’ve been on a ghetto diet your entire life, you’re just happy to get a large soda instead of a medium. — Chris Rock

Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life. — Chris Rock

My goal in life was to host the MTV Awards, because it’s the awards show that Prince sang on, and that was the awards show that Eddie Murphy hosted and Arsenio hosted. — Chris Rock

You get to reset, it’s not a breakdown, but something in Your life broke down. — Chris Rock

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. — Chris Rock

You can never make a woman happy, it’s impossible. I’ve never met a happy woman in my life. They’re always complaining about something. — Chris Rock

Artistically I’m curious. But in life? No. I can go to a restaurant and order the same thing for 10 years. — Chris Rock

Movies have takes. But plays are like life–you don’t really get takes. — Chris Rock

I love my life, but I don’t think I’m any happier than my younger brother Andre, who drives a garbage truck. — Chris Rock

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to. — Chris Rock

Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know? — Chris Rock

People basically aren’t that racist. They want their laughs. If I make a white guy laugh, he’s gonna come see me. He’s not gonna go see the white guy who doesn’t make him laugh just because that guy is white. — Chris Rock

Right now, my job is that I’m like an ambulance chaser. I’ve got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them. — Chris Rock

I see as white people finding loopholes in the slavery laws. — Chris Rock

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people. — Chris Rock

Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren’t free but I’m sure they enjoyed fireworks. — Chris Rock

Of U.S. mass shootings are committed by white people aged 14–56. For some reason I’ve never ONCE heard a white person called a terrorist. — Chris Rock

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check… is wealthy. ‘Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling! — Chris Rock