A fart is just your arse applauding. — Billy Connolly

I’ve been a poser for f––ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh. — Billy Connolly

I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home. — Billy Connolly

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. — Billy Connolly

If you give people a chance, they shine. — Billy Connolly

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound. — Billy Connolly

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father’s younger than him and we don’t give him the controls for the television. — Billy Connolly

I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far. — Billy Connolly

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men. — Billy Connolly

I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea. — Billy Connolly

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey… Doesn’t try it on. — Billy Connolly

Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit. — Billy Connolly

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things. — Billy Connolly

I’ve been very lucky because I’ve always had movies to do. So if I got bored between shows a movie would turn up. — Billy Connolly

People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around. — Billy Connolly

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time? — Billy Connolly

Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you’ll have the time of your life! — Billy Connolly

If you don’t know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting. — Billy Connolly

I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed. — Billy Connolly

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know. — Billy Connolly

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don’t sit in the dark hiding. It’s easy to hide and shout and waste people’s time. — Billy Connolly

To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here. — Billy Connolly

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries. — Billy Connolly

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. — Billy Connolly

Politically correct is the language of cowardice. — Billy Connolly

I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher. — Billy Connolly

I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do. — Billy Connolly

I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got. — Billy Connolly

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint. — Billy Connolly

Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose. — Billy Connolly

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? — Billy Connolly

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.’ ‘Don’t vote. It just encourages them…. — Billy Connolly

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter. — Billy Connolly

I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better. — Billy Connolly

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo. — Billy Connolly

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white. — Billy Connolly

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think. — Billy Connolly

Try to live in a place you like. — Billy Connolly

I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist. — Billy Connolly

The more you know the less the better. — Billy Connolly

Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh. — Billy Connolly

Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is. — Billy Connolly

Scottish–americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy–you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter–pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s. — Billy Connolly

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need. — Billy Connolly