People are either good or they’re not. Religion doesn’t make anybody good, I don’t think. — Bill Maher

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need. — Bill Maher

Religion is insanity by consensus. — Bill Maher

I don’t ridicule religion, it ridicules itself. — Bill Maher

Whatever good religion has done, it has come at a terrible price. — Bill Maher

Religion is bad and drugs are good. — Bill Maher

Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position. — Bill Maher

The only way for mankind to survive is for religion to die. — Bill Maher

Religion is detrimental to the progress of society. — Bill Maher

I hate religion. I think it’s a neurological disorder. — Bill Maher

The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity–mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism–mumbling to the wall, Islam–mumbling to the floor. — Bill Maher

The plain fact is: religion must die for mankind to live. — Bill Maher

Religion is defined as belief in and worship of a controlling power and atheism is precisely not that. — Bill Maher

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies. — Bill Maher

We don’t really have to make fun of religion–it makes fun of itself. — Bill Maher

I think flying planes into a building was a faith–based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder. — Bill Maher

Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don’t have all the answers to think that they do. — Bill Maher

I don’t want to start a movement that mirrors religion. I don’t want to create the church of the non–believers where I’m the preacher and we’re all gathering together and reciting things. — Bill Maher

Islam is the only religion that acts like the mafia that will f *** ing kill you if you say the wrong thing. — Bill Maher

I couldn’t run for any office. I think that religion is bad, weed is good, and babies are disgusting; who would vote for me? — Bill Maher

Germs do not have a political party. — Bill Maher

In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency. — Bill Maher

Gingrich is the ‘foremost intellectual’ in the Republican party like Gene Simmons is the foremost intellectual in ‘Kiss’. — Bill Maher

The Republicans proved they are not the party of ‘no.’ They’re the party of ‘f**k, no!’ — Bill Maher

I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better. — Bill Maher

I think Mitt Romney is a symptom. I think the problem is the Republican Party. — Bill Maher

Clint Eastwood’s speech was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican Party: A confused old person yelling at something that doesn’t exist. — Bill Maher

This party is just full of children, and someone needs to leave them in a hot car. — Bill Maher

You’d know if I was the de–facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you’d go down to Walgreen’s and buy a pack of blunts. — Bill Maher

The Republican Party is like the corpse in ‘Weekend at Bernies’ and the Tea Party is like the two guys who put sunglasses and a party hat on it and drag it around. — Bill Maher

Tea Party has now cost the Republicans 5 senate seats. My next donation is going to them. — Bill Maher

In today’s Republican Party, there’s a term for people who hate charity and love killing: ‘Christian.’ — Bill Maher

I was out at the HBO party, these are liberals, I imagine, and a lot of people came up to me and said, ‘Keep giving it to the president. — Bill Maher

If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you’d resign in protest. — Bill Maher

We don’t do sensible things. This is America. — Bill Maher

Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror. — Bill Maher

You know, the only place in America where the millionaires and billionaires are predominantly liberal is here in Hollywood. — Bill Maher

Hey birthers, wanna hear my theory? My theory was that Obama was born in America and you were born with the umbilical cord around your neck. — Bill Maher

The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people. — Bill Maher

Don’t you miss the days when America was just MORALLY bankrupt? — Bill Maher

There’s a phrase we live by in America: ‘In God We Trust’. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money. — Bill Maher

I don’t hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is to realistically criticize what’s wrong with it. — Bill Maher

You know, we do a lot of complaining here in America. And that itself is something they can’t do in a lot of other countries. — Bill Maher

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with. — Bill Maher

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people. — Bill Maher

Every day in America is a day with a shooting. — Bill Maher

I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting. — Bill Maher

Good presidents, people like George Bush, they SEND people to war. They don’t bring them a rescue. This is America. We rescue insurance companies and banks. — Bill Maher

In America, you’re allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God’s big book of bad ideas. — Bill Maher

New Rule: The people of America who were most in favor of the Iraq War must now go there and fight it. — Bill Maher

This is America. We don’t call an election before we know who won. That, after all, is the job of the Supreme Court. — Bill Maher

Oh, America! I could never leave you! You’re like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh! — Bill Maher

Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don’t need birth control, you are birth control. — Bill Maher

America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent. — Bill Maher

America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog. — Bill Maher

Republicans look to find the future and they find radio. — Bill Maher

I’m worried about a permanent Republican majority. That’s what I’m worried about for the future. — Bill Maher

There is no such thing as a moderate Republican anymore. — Bill Maher

Republicans are obsessed with abortion…if they really wanted to protect the weakest, most helpless people, wouldn’t they protect the Democrats? — Bill Maher

Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he’s a secret Republican. — Bill Maher

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country. — Bill Maher

You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money. — Bill Maher

I just don’t think a lot of Republicans like it when single women have sex. — Bill Maher

Because of the Republicans, I’m not ashamed of being an American. I’m embarrassed! — Bill Maher

What does it take for Republicans to take off the flag pin and say, ‘I am just too embarrassed to be on this team’? — Bill Maher

Republicans: ‘we fought the good fight’–yeah, it woulda been worth it if we could have prevented just one poor kid from getting a free inhaler. — Bill Maher

Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government. — Bill Maher

Republicans have pounced. They’re outraged. They say, ‘How dare you lie about caring for the people who got hurt in the war we lied them into?’ — Bill Maher

Democrats are afraid of polls. Republicans aren`t afraid of polls. Republicans make polls. Democrats run from polls. — Bill Maher

In Republican fantasy world, everything is always Obama’s fault. Somehow, he’s weak and he’s ineffective, and yet he pulls the strings on everything in the world. — Bill Maher

Don’t vote for Republicans or Democrats until they clean up the open system of bribery that we live under. — Bill Maher

The Republicans released their ‘Pledge to America.’ It’s 21 pages of phony charts and bad ideas. Sarah Palin got a copy, and she said, ‘How am I supposed to fit all this crap on my hand? — Bill Maher

I doubt anything will really come of this lawsuit. First of all, it’s a lawsuit. It involves a subpoena. And try to find a Republican who will be willing to be seen serving a black man. — Bill Maher

How can the Republicans get away with picking their Dennis Kucinich, but when–if the Democrats tried it, all hell would break lose? — Bill Maher

We’ve created over 200,000 jobs every month this year. Hasn’t happened in 17 years. I guess my first question is, when do the Republicans stop calling it ‘Obama’s economy’? — Bill Maher

Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage. — Bill Maher

New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of ‘every man for himself’ doesn’t make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee. — Bill Maher

One of the advantages of atheism is takes so little of your time. — Bill Maher

You know… there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time…. husband!!! — Bill Maher

I don’t think all life is precious. I know people say that all the time, ‘Life is precious.’ I think some life is precious, and some life is just a waste of protoplasm. Start over. — Bill Maher

I feel very nervous, the same way I dId four years ago at thIs tIme. — Bill Maher

Some people think I enjoy debate. I don’t. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time. — Bill Maher

In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don’t have much of a football team, but the half–time show . . . — Bill Maher

You know, if you’re an American and you’re born at this time in history especially, you’re lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery… — Bill Maher

For the first time since 1979, we are talking to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Obama says talking to him is probably pointless, but it’s a hell of a relief from Mitch McConnell. — Bill Maher

Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them! — Bill Maher

I am feelIng less confIdent about thIs––maybe Its just theIr conventIon bump got to me, but Im feelIng less confIdent than I was a month ago, I feel very nervous, the same way I dId four years ago at thIs tIme. — Bill Maher

I hear this all the time: ‘Obama’s policies aren’t working.’ He hasn’t been allowed to put his policies into place. — Bill Maher

Every time [Rand Paul] opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that the liberal media stop quoting him in context. — Bill Maher

Every time somebody says ‘Islamophobia’ it gives the people who are intimidating cover. — Bill Maher

Shouldn’t we be against procreation at this point in time? With overpopulation and the strain on the resources on this planet? Shouldn’t we reward people who don’t spawn? — Bill Maher

The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was ‘collecting his thoughts.’ What a time to start a new hobby.’ — Bill Maher

Only 42 percent of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That’s an amazing statistic. How come in America Christians are the only ones who won’t take anything on faith? — Bill Maher

People like the Mormons and the Scientologists, who I think should combine and make a Mormontologist because what they believe is just so out there it’s just laughable. — Bill Maher

I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says. — Bill Maher

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Obama looks like he DOES need a teleprompter. — Bill Maher

Do you think it’s possible that when we’re on something like marijuana or mushrooms and we believe we’re having a really spiritual experience that we’re just high? — Bill Maher

Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed. — Bill Maher

I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author. — Bill Maher

Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo–those were the three guys who said they do not believe in evolution. The irony will be on them when their campaigns die off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns. — Bill Maher

First they didn’t believe in evolution. Then they didn’t believe in global warming. Now the debt ceiling. What I call ‘the moron trifecta.’ — Bill Maher

My personal savior is common sense. And as far as God goes, I prefer to believe in one that would want me to use the excellent brain he gave us all. — Bill Maher

Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card. — Bill Maher

What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don’t call him stupid because they don’t agree with you politically. — Bill Maher

If you believe that the world is going to come to an end–and perhaps any day now–does it not drain one’s motivation to improve life on earth while we’re here? — Bill Maher