The Best Steven Wright Quotes

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Steven Wright quotes on took


I took a baby shower. -Steven Wright

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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. -Steven Wright

I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn’t. -Steven Wright

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. -Steven Wright

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Steven Wright quotes on people


Clones are people two. -Steven Wright

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Half the people you know are below average. -Steven Wright

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. -Steven Wright

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? -Steven Wright

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Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? -Steven Wright

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes? -Steven Wright

Support bacteria-they’re the only culture some people have. -Steven Wright

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Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘Up Over’? -Steven Wright

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. -Steven Wright

If god dropped acid, would he see people? -Steven Wright

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Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. -Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? -Steven Wright

I just lost a buttonhole. -Steven Wright

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Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? -Steven Wright

It’s a small world, but i wouldn’t want to paint it. -Steven Wright

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it? -Steven Wright

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I have not lost my mind-it’s backed up on disk somewhere. -Steven Wright

How can there be self-help groups? -Steven Wright

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? -Steven Wright

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Steven Wright quotes on last


Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. -Steven Wright

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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there? -Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually. -Steven Wright

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out. -Steven Wright

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Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives? -Steven Wright

Snakes have no arms. That’s why they don’t wear vests. -Steven Wright

Women… can’t live with ’em…… can’t shoot ’em -Steven Wright

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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. -Steven Wright

What do batteries run on? -Steven Wright

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country. -Steven Wright

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They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge. -Steven Wright

I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open. -Steven Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. -Steven Wright

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Steven Wright quotes on night


It’s a fine night to have an evening. -Steven Wright

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I’m so tired… I was up all night trying to round off infinity. -Steven Wright

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn’t rise. -Steven Wright

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it’s going to be up all night. -Steven Wright

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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. -Steven Wright

Whatever happened to preparations A through G? -Steven Wright

OK, so what’s the speed of dark? -Steven Wright

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Steven Wright quotes on word


What’s another word for thesaurus? -Steven Wright

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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? -Steven Wright

How come abbreviated is such a long word? -Steven Wright

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? -Steven Wright

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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? -Steven Wright

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad. -Steven Wright

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? -Steven Wright

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Steven Wright quotes on time


Consciousness: That annoying time between naps -Steven Wright

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I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. -Steven Wright

The speed of time is one second per second. -Steven Wright

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity? -Steven Wright

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I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost. -Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time. -Steven Wright

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. -Steven Wright

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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. -Steven Wright

The other day I … no wait, that wasn’t me. -Steven Wright

Do you have any toy train schedules? -Steven Wright

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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. -Steven Wright

Today i met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second. -Steven Wright

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water? -Steven Wright

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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead? -Steven Wright

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand? -Steven Wright

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? -Steven Wright

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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. -Steven Wright

Day 1–Still tired from the move. Day 2–Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot. -Steven Wright

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it. -Steven Wright

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Steven Wright quotes on used


I used to be a narrator for bad mimes. -Steven Wright

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Steven Wright quotes on went


I went to a garage sale. ‘How much for the garage’ ‘It’s not for sale.’ -Steven Wright

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I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s. The clerk said, “ten-four.” -Steven Wright

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. -Steven Wright

I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters. -Steven Wright

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Steven Wright quotes on bought


I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. -Steven Wright

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Steven Wright quotes on house


I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there. -Steven Wright

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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn’t go up the stairs. -Steven Wright

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate. -Steven Wright

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they’re all stuck together? -Steven Wright

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More from Steven wright


Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag? -Steven Wright

You can’t have everything. where would you put it -Steven Wright

Sometimes I… No, I don’t. -Steven Wright

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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ‘4’s’? -Steven Wright

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. -Steven Wright

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. -Steven Wright

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I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. -Steven Wright

I’m so hyper. (said with a very dull voice> -Steven Wright

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? -Steven Wright

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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven’t spoken since. -Steven Wright

I washed mud off of mud. -Steven Wright

Do fish get cramps after eating? -Steven Wright

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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? -Steven Wright

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. -Steven Wright

No one is listening until you make a mistake. -Steven Wright

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The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. -Steven Wright

I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes… -Steven Wright

For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram. -Steven Wright

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What happens if you get scared half to death twice? -Steven Wright

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? -Steven Wright

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney. -Steven Wright

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Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read. -Steven Wright

The sky already fell. Now what? -Steven Wright

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. -Steven Wright

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Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! -Steven Wright

Is ‘tired old clich�’ one? -Steven Wright

Because I don’t believe everything I read. -Steven Wright

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Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? -Steven Wright

I can’t stop thinking like this. -Steven Wright

I was an only child, eventually. -Steven Wright

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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? -Steven Wright

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. -Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice. -Steven Wright

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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. -Steven Wright

I was skydiving horizontally. -Steven Wright

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start. -Steven Wright

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I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! -Steven Wright

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. -Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer -Steven Wright

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The sky is falling. No, I’m tipping over backwards. -Steven Wright

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny? -Steven Wright

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. -Steven Wright

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I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t the kind that folds. -Steven Wright

I just got this new camera. It’s very advanced-you don’t even need it. -Steven Wright

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food? -Steven Wright

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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell -Steven Wright

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. -Steven Wright

I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control. -Steven Wright

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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them -Steven Wright

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. -Steven Wright

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger. -Steven Wright

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My theory of evolution is that darwin was adopted. -Steven Wright

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. -Steven Wright

How do you get off a non-stop flight? -Steven Wright

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Is it possible to be totally partial? -Steven Wright

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. -Steven Wright

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction. -Steven Wright

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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? -Steven Wright

A metaphor is like a simile. -Steven Wright

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. -Steven Wright

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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film. -Steven Wright

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. -Steven Wright

My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness. -Steven Wright

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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? -Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. I told everybody I’m Narcissus. -Steven Wright

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink? -Steven Wright

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Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for? -Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. -Steven Wright

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? -Steven Wright

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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? -Steven Wright

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. -Steven Wright

I’ve never seen electricity, that’s why I don’t pay for it -Steven Wright

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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero. -Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it. -Steven Wright

I’m not naked, I’m in the band. -Steven Wright

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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. -Steven Wright

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them? -Steven Wright

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me. -Steven Wright

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A fool and his money are soon partying. -Steven Wright

I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”. -Steven Wright

Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes. -Steven Wright

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I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths. -Steven Wright

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. -Steven Wright

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? -Steven Wright

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I’m a peripheral visionary. -Steven Wright

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. -Steven Wright

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget. -Steven Wright

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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears. -Steven Wright

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter. -Steven Wright

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? -Steven Wright

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I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. -Steven Wright

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club? -Steven Wright

I had my coat hangers spayed. -Steven Wright

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Tinsel is really snakes’ mirrors. -Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile i was a suspect. -Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it. -Steven Wright

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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap? -Steven Wright

Does fuzzy logic tickle? -Steven Wright

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? -Steven Wright

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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology… the study of milkmen. -Steven Wright

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? -Steven Wright

Four years ago… no, it was yesterday. -Steven Wright

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Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door? -Steven Wright

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? -Steven Wright

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet? -Steven Wright

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Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent? -Steven Wright

My father was a small claims court jester. -Steven Wright

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one? -Steven Wright

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I was once arrested for resisting arrest. -Steven Wright

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? -Steven Wright

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. -Steven Wright

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When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. -Steven Wright

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route. -Steven Wright

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. -Steven Wright

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Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children. -Steven Wright

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. -Steven Wright

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. -Steven Wright

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I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. -Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes. -Steven Wright

I like to skate on the other side of the ice. -Steven Wright

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The success setup

Motivation & productivity Hacks and Mindsets from the most successful entrepreneurs.

guide thumb success habits productive mindset pdf

The success setup

Motivation & productivity Hacks and Mindsets from the most successful entrepreneurs.

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