The Best John Mulaney Quotes

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      John Mulaney quotes on funny


      If something is very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial. -John Mulaney

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      Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome. -John Mulaney

      I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don’t feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience. -John Mulaney

      I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me. -John Mulaney

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      John Mulaney quotes on time


      I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting. -John Mulaney

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      Part of standup is being loose and having a good time yourself and that translates to the audience. -John Mulaney

      The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time. -John Mulaney

      Late at night, on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah! It’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time, it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped. -John Mulaney

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      That was an interesting thing I learned I think the first time I did a late night show or something. It was like, “Oh, this is for the camera and a performance that you’re giving to the people at home. -John Mulaney

      Most open-mic experiences I had were okay. -John Mulaney

      I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute. -John Mulaney

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      John Mulaney quotes on people


      Nick Kroll, A.D. Miles, Chelsea Peretti-those were the people I was always doing open mics with. -John Mulaney

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      Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways. -John Mulaney

      Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken -John Mulaney

      People having expectations maybe means they’ve enjoyed what I’ve done. -John Mulaney

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      It’s nice when you’re nervous and everybody’s like, “Yeah, you should be nervous.” Because a lot of times you’re anxious and people say, “Relax. Shut up.” And that just feels like, Well, I guess I’m also crazy. -John Mulaney

      If someone had written a review saying, ”Oh, Hello’ is stupid,’ we would have said, ‘Yeah, it is. You’re absolutely right.’ That people liked it was extremely cool. -John Mulaney

      When you have something that you did so many jobs on and were so front and center on, and then people dislike it, you want to learn lessons from it, and you want to move on, and you want to move on too fast. -John Mulaney

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      John Mulaney quotes on comedy


      In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once you’re doing it. -John Mulaney

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      I just watched a ton of comedy and saw a ton of different styles, and eventually you think, ‘Oh, yeah, I could be like that.’ -John Mulaney

      There are a lot of great jokes you can sit down and write, but that’s just a written joke, versus the comedy of the situation. Ideally, you’re pulling as much comedy out of the situation as you can. -John Mulaney

      It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them-especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin. -John Mulaney

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      John Mulaney quotes on look


      I look back on being 17 and think, “Oh my God, how did I not die? -John Mulaney

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      Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads. -John Mulaney

      I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here. -John Mulaney

      I plan to join the ‘SNL’ band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I’ll be sure to look right into camera. -John Mulaney

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      Being president looks like the worst job in the world. -John Mulaney

      For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all -Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on. -John Mulaney

      I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV. -John Mulaney

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      You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit. -John Mulaney

      Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for. -John Mulaney

      I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment. -John Mulaney

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      John Mulaney quotes on show


      With the first episode [of John Mulaney Show] I tell a story that happened to me accidentally chasing a woman down the subway. -John Mulaney

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      I always wanted it to be multi-cam from the beginning. In the first seeds of the idea, I wanted a live audience, multi-cam show. That was very important for me. -John Mulaney

      It was funny to be an emcee, because you’re so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400-and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank. -John Mulaney

      I really set out to do this traditional looking and traditional sounding multi-cam sitcom, but then make the world as elastic as an animated show could be. Make the world as surreal as we wanted it to be. -John Mulaney

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      I definitely look like a toddler. I feel comfortable and I have a lot of fun out there [John Mulaney Show]. And if I were to be extremely egotistical, I’d say I got a tiny bit better. -John Mulaney

      You should be able to say I don’t know. That should be an acceptable answer on a test. -John Mulaney

      If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word. -John Mulaney

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      John Mulaney quotes on watch


      I still like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on. -John Mulaney

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      I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on. Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn’t watch important shows. He’ll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever’s on, we watch. -John Mulaney

      I’ve seen most of the major, important shows, but I watch them all at once, like movies, so my TV relationships are still with shows like ‘Law And Order: SVU,’ ‘Shark Tank,’ and HGTV. -John Mulaney

      It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them. -John Mulaney

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      John Mulaney quotes on kind


      I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under. -John Mulaney

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      My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious. -John Mulaney

      I kind of thought, wouldn’t it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream? -John Mulaney

      I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I’d done a lot of things I wasn’t proud of. -John Mulaney

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      John Mulaney quotes on stand


      I’m pretty self-critical about everything I’ve ever done: stand-up, ‘SNL.’ -John Mulaney

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      I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don’t get a laugh but I love them so they stay. -John Mulaney

      Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it. -John Mulaney

      Having done stand-up on television and in stand-up specials for like Comedy Central, you learn quickly that for that type of performance you’re playing to the camera. -John Mulaney

      John Mulaney quotes on night


      On Friday night, it was fun [to know] that if you bombed, or whatever was going on, that you’d be on TV at 11. It was a cool feeling, and you’d get a couple hundred dollars. -John Mulaney


      More from John mulaney


      I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines. -John Mulaney

      You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about. -John Mulaney

      Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy. -John Mulaney As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter With my friends, I was still an extrovert. -John Mulaney

      You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair. -John Mulaney

      Understudies don’t normally get invited to openings. -John Mulaney Things don’t exist until they exist. -John Mulaney

      And then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving. -John Mulaney

      I’ve done festivals in the past where I’d be a guest, it was like, Wow, maybe someday I could play Town Hall-but that’ll be a long way off. So it’s very exciting. -John Mulaney Comfort is everything. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers. -John Mulaney

      Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting. -John Mulaney

      I like that idea that what I do might be mainstream. Might be. -John Mulaney My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you. -John Mulaney

      I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion. -John Mulaney

      Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I’m new in town. -John Mulaney You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers. -John Mulaney

      I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster. -John Mulaney

      I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would black out and I would ruin parties. -John Mulaney

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